Roller Coaster

After an eventful week of a roller coaster of emotions (which I can guarantee will continue), I've come to the conclusion that all I have suffered here hasn't been for nothing.

I know how that sounds but I have suffered emotionally and mentally form being here for the last two years. Between my family, friends, and boyfriend and myself it's been rough. There's a lot of shit going on at home that I cannot control and I know that. It's shitty but I know what I have to do when I get home and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm glad I still have a job to return to but I'm rather disappointed that the jobs that I have seen available require a master's degree. I'm going to apply to places like that anyway and some of the mental health facilities as well. I need something in my field (even though I want school psych) and I need experience. Working retail and at a gas station isn't exactly the experience employers really want or are looking for.

My boyfriend has been all over the fucking place emotionally. He was super down; depressive, suicidal down and I have been the same way. I attempted once this semester and went to crisis twice. After last week with that whole situation with my friend, he seemed to get worse and then suddenly sprang back up recently. When do I get to fall apart? When is it ok for me to just collapse and break down? I understand that I am a pillar for people but pillars break sometimes. I haven't really had the time to do so. I've had to take care of my boyfriend and myself. I know I'm selfless and it can be a huge problem but I don't know how to entirely fix that "flaw". It's just been up and down for much and so rapidly, I can't handle it. I've been having mania fits since Monday and that lasted three full days, stopped, and started up again today. It's fucking shitty is what it is. I have one more paper to write and studying to do so these fits need to stop. I can't focus or concentrate when I'm like that. I know I need to set something up when I get home and now I really do need to discuss potential meds (at least for the anxiety and mania).

I'm not going to lie, I'm completely freaking the fuck out about leaving Oz. I know I have complained about it before but when graduation is right in your face and you've made some real connections and friends, it's hard to leave. I will miss the people I have become close with up here. I really want to stay in touch with everyone that I made friends with from here. I just hope I can maintain those friendships. I haven't been very good at maintaining the ones from home and I think it gets harder all the time. I just really hope that I will see the people I've met here again and keep in contact with them cause they all are freaking awesome.

I'm excited to be graduating and I'm excited for whatever to happen next but I'm also scared shitless. I've  mentioned to my boyfriend that I know for a fact that I cannot handle another 3 to 4 years apart like this again. Probably 80% to 90% of our relationship has been a long distance relationship and I'm tired of it. This last semester has been the worst semester for us and I'm terrified that if we went away again, it wont last and that'll be the end of it. I know we shouldn't be together if it really wont work but we never really had time to be with each other. I mean yeah we have but the time in between hasn't worked out in out favor. I know my heart belongs to him and I know exactly where I stand. I need him to really figure that out for himself and hopefully we're on the same page. As far as I know right now, we are but we need to discuss grad school options and someone is going to have to make a sacrifice. It's rather overwhelming right now.

I have one more paper to write and 3 finals to study for. I'm trying my best to keep it together but I'm tired and worn out. I just want to go home and be done with academics for a little while. I'm all over the place.

Never A Dull Moment

The last three or four days I've been having a mental and emotional breakdown. I'm overworked and over stressed with school life and my own personal life seems to be a bit of a mess lately.  I have 3 more papers to write and today I can't focus on them. They're all half written anyway so it's not bad but they still need to get done.

I can't handle being away from my boyfriend like this anymore. I miss spending time with him and going out and doing things with me. I don't think I could handle us going away to grad school apart. I don't think I have the strength for that anymore. I love him so much, I want to be with him. My heart and my mind hurt too much from this and this semester has been so hard, I don't even want to imagine what grad school would be like. We've also been kind of fighting about one of my friends. Friday my friend, who is a guy, and I went out drinking and dancing. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to suddenly change my feelings about him and run off with my friend. First of all, fuck no. I love my boyfriend so much that I don't have a heartbeat for anyone but him. Second, since when can't friends go out drinking and dancing together? I used to do it with my friends all the time and this was no different. It's kind of a fucked situation because he trusts me and he doesn't want to tell me that I can't have any male friends (which I don't really have a lot of anyway). I think he's uncomfortable with the friendships I have with people. They're not superficial friendships, they're more like relationships. My friends are my family and I would do anything for them. I don't know right now.

When I went out Friday, I was having such a good time. I forgot what it feels like to be 22 instead of 32. I just want to be my age and not have to be such an adult all the time. I can hear the groans and see the rolling of the eyes but I have had to more of an adult ever since my nephew was born when I was 12. My boyfriend says I do need to do more for myself, do thinks for me everyone once in a while and I never really knew what to do. I do miss going out dancing with my friends and just hanging out and doing whatever. Not giving a fuck really. I don't agree that members of the opposite sex can't be friends without wanting to fuck the other. I know it has to do with attraction to the other but I have had plenty of guy friends and never fucked them. Whatever, I don't care anymore.

I can't push myself any more or any harder than I have been. I just feel so done, nothing left to give. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, my body hurts. I don't want to fight anymore.

Low Places

It's been a long, hard week for me. Besides hurricane Sandy that devastated most of the east coast and east coast shoreline, I had a personal incident.

I haven't been feeling well, mentally and emotionally. I figured it was just burnout but it seems to be more than just that. Tuesday, I texted my friend Karla and, in a way, asked her to come to campus. I told her I had a plan but haven't executed it yet (meaning I had a plan to commit suicide and haven't done it yet). We sat in the Campus Center for about an hour and then she walked me to the counseling center for crisis. I really did not want to go to in-patient. I didn't want to be forced meds and the place up here rally is horrible and so is Oswego hospital. I talked to Maria, one of the counselors here and the one who was on for crisis hours that day. She asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and if I wanted to go to in-patient. I said no to both because I really didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to not do anything academic for a long time. I sat in Maria's office for about an hour just talking. I made a deal stating that I would give Karla all my medicines that I had in my room that I was planning on using and she would give them to the counseling center to hold onto. I had about a half a bottle of melatonin pills to help me sleep and a full bottle of acetaminophen, along with some other things. The counseling center has those things now. What was hard was walking through Wal Mart and not buying those items so I had them again. I still feel that way though; it's not like it went away so it's more than just feeling burnt out this semester. I haven't fully talked about it with, well, anyone really. I mentioned to my boyfriend that day that I might have to go to in-patient and then when I didn't, I let him know. I haven't really talked about it since. I've tried to just get through the rest of this week (I still have a bunch of papers I need to write). I don't know what to do now. I have about a month left of classes and then I graduate and go home. I haven't actually looked for a psychologist/therapist at home and all I have up here is the counseling center. I'm a bit lost and I'm trying to so hard to just get through this semester and just be done with it all. I really don't want to do anything academic for a long freaking time after this semester.

Weekends Aren't Long Enough

Yeah, that's true for just about anything really.

This past weekend was friends and family weekend here at SUNY Oswego. My boyfriend came to visit me which was really awesome! No one has ever come to visit me and I was super excited that he was able to. We went to the rugby game on Saturday and introduced him to my friend Swag (his actual name is Brian and some people call him frozone). We won the rugby game and now we're going to state championships this weekend! Anyway, it was just really nice to see him and spend time with him up here. It never seems like enough time and it goes by so quickly.

I really hate how most of our relationship has been a long distance relationship. I know I know, I can already hear everyone saying 'You're young! Get it over with now.' and that's all fine and good but it doesn't make it suck less. I just don't want to be apart anymore. I value the time that we get to spend together and I love getting to talk to him pretty much every night. It still doesn't take away the fact that I get lonely and I miss him a lot. It's hard and it's shitty. It's a three hour drive, one way, to Troy from Oswego and gas isn't cheap. I do what I can and I know he does try. It's not exactly cheap to take the bus from Albany to Syracuse and back either ($80 round trip ticket!). I just don't like it and I want to be able to wake up next to my boyfriend everyday or at the very least be able to see him whenever I want to and not have to drive three hours to see him. It's tough and taking him back to the bus station was so hard. I never want him to leave and I never want to leave when I go see him. Part of me wants us to start our lives together and part of me still wants to just be in my twenties. I love him so much and I just want to be with him, close to him.

I know at the end of this semester, after graduation, I really need to step it up and get a real job and apply to all those grad schools. Yeah, I'm scared shitless but it's life and it doesn't stop for anything. I know what I have to do and I'm just trying to keep my head up at this point.

And the Beat Goes On

I know I don't update this like I used to and I'm considering actively writing here again. I did help me a lot when I was in Italy so I might as well continue on right?

Anyway, my time here is almost done; about 2 1/2 more months and then I can graduate from this place. I had to overload my schedule to 21 credits just to be able to graduate in December. When I went to go do my senior check-list, I somehow was missing 5 upper division credits but everything else was all filled in. I picked up a quarter class that's 3 credits and a 2 credit internship with the counseling center here.  Needless to say, I had to quit rugby in order to concentrate and really settle down to get my work done this semester. It sucked to have to do it but I knew I had to. I really do love rugby and I can always pick it up later. I already have felt a bit burnt out and overwhelmed with all the papers I have to write this semester for my other classes. I'm trying my best to power through this semester and just get everything done to the best of my ability. I just need to make sure I have some down time to chill and destress from everything. I need to keep my mental health in check too.

My schedule is better now though, kind of. See my professor for PSY 475 is having some health issues and he wont be returning to teach this semester so what they did was move everyone into a different section of that course. The only problem was that I couldn't go into any of those sections due to time conflicts. They made a few of us as independent study which essentially means we still have class at the same time but it only meets on Monday's instead of a MWF class. It's kind of nice because it frees up my Fridays and I only have one class on Wednesdays now. Tuesdays are going to be my late days because of that quarter class though. It's a night class and I tried so hard to avoid taking those again but I have to do this so that I can graduate.

I went to see Bobo a few weeks ago for a long weekend. It was nice to be able to spend two full days with him instead of really only one and a half. We really just stayed at RPI that weekend. We're both broke and there wasn't anything I really wanted to do except for to spend time with him and not go anywhere. Yes, sometimes I was a little bored because we really didn't leave his room much but I really felt that we both needed that time together. Things at home for me have been a bit hectic and he's going through therapy and starting to deal with the things he needs to. We need that time together. Hopefully he'll be coming to see me in a few weeks which would be so awesome. No one has ever come to visit me and it really does make me upset. I wish more people would come see me up here. I have to make the same drive so why can't they? Anyway, hopefully he'll be coming to visit soon.

One of my best friends, Brendan, and his boyfriend are moving to L.A. on the 16th! I'm so excited for them! I'm going to miss them so much and I know they both have been wanting this for so long. It took so much time and effort for them to actually find a place out there without even being able to go there and look. It's sad to see them go but I can understand wanting to get out of here and plus all the jobs he wants to apply to are out there anyway. I think there's a couple of grad schools he want to apply to out there as well so he would have been moving out there anyway. I'm so happy for them and I wish them all the best! Now I have an excuse to go to L.A.!

Speaking of grad schools, I've been looking at a lot of different places in different states. Not too far away though but still a different state. I've requested info from schools in New York, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and New Jersey. My Aunt Gaby thinks I should get out of New York and I agree and my Grandma Jo thinks I should try moving out west for school. I know I should get out of New York but I don't know why I feel like I just need to be here or at least very close to here. I need to figure out what's keeping me here and why I'm so afraid to go anywhere that's not driveable back to New York within like a 5 hour radius. I don't even know if I want to leave the east coast and if I do, where would I go? I know I should probably be having these discussions with my boyfriend but I don't even know how to really approach it. It's just so much to consider and I don't know what to do anymore.

I've been feeling very down these last few weeks. I've been overly self conscious, I'll eat a lot and then barely eat the next few days, I've felt huge and just out right disgusting. I've been feeling more and more depressed and I've had to wear my rubberband a few times in the last week alone. I don't know what's wrong or what's going on. I don't feel like I'm coming out of this, whatever it is. I have this fear that I'm going to end up at in-patient for a week or something and I don't want that to happen. I'm terrified to say anything to my boyfriend about it because there's really nothing he or anyone can do and I don't want to make him worry. I'm stuck in past beliefs and I can't seem to find my way out of them, even with the counseling I'm getting here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.

I guess this is growing up.

Pride

This weekend has been one of the most difficult weekends I have experience since being up here, and I've only been in Oz for 2 weeks (going on 3).

Rugby has been awesome! Practices are difficult for me because well, I'm a fat-ass and I can't run (also my knee can't take the impact from running anyway). I do what I can and I've decided I will go to practice when I  can. I have a lot to do this semester and well I said it in my last post so I digress.

Friday, about a half hour before my class started, I started having a huge anxiety attack. It came on very suddenly. I was just sitting outside in front of the building where my class was and then BAM I was all jittery, I had a hard time breathing and so on. I thought maybe if i walked to the counseling center, I might feel better but as I was walking there it just became worse. I sat in the CSC office for a few minutes. I didn't tell the secretary that I needed to see someone, I just wanted to sit and see if I could calm down on my own. Jane, who's our Active Minds adviser, came in and she wanted to talk to me anyway about the Active Minds conference this year. After that we went into he office and I just completely broke down. I was just stressed out and having an anxiety attack. It all came from several things. I started thinking about Grandpa Bob who was in the VA hospital around this time last year and passed away October 3rd last year. I was thinking about him, I was thinking about the financial struggles my family is dealing with right now. It's pretty bad and I have been trying to find a job up here but, like all college towns, the jobs are already taken. Even trying to find one on campus is hard to do. I was also freaking out about being away...again. It just felt like a lot. I was away in Italy for 4 months, home for 4 months, and then off to Oz again for another 4 months. It just felt like a lot of back and forth and not enough time to settle. It felt like I just didn't have enough time at home to really regroup myself. It was just overload on so may levels. Jane gave me a letter stating that I am eligible for the welfare program up here call Human Concerns due to our financial situation. That really killed me, my pride. It's not that I really have anything against those programs, I take issue with people who abuse those programs and take away from people who really need it. I felt like one of those people who didn't need it and there it was being handed to me. I'm not lazy. I've worked and gone to school when I was home but it's been difficult to find something up here to even have a small source of income. I'm a hard worker. It just really hurt my pride to have to use a welfare program while I'm in school or really ever. I guess I got that whole ' if you can't provide for your family' thing from my dad because he thinks that way. I don't really know how I quite feel about it right now but I am thankful that I have it.

It was just a tiring weekend. I've pretty much cried all weekend and trying to tell myself that this isn't forever, it's temporary and when I get home I'll be working again. I'm trying to better accept what is before me and I know I cannot change what I don't know but the things I do know and then worry about just creep up and then the anxiety attacks come again. I just need to power through this last semester and be done with it. I just want to be done. December 15th can't come soon enough.

Rookie

So just in case my semester wasn't packed enough of shit I have to do, I joined the women's rugby team. I can't run for shit but I'm good at tackling and defense. After running just ONE lap yesterday at practice, my kneecap moved and I had to stop. Usually we run 2 laps around the field. We do about an hour of just conditioning exercise and then an hour of drills. My body has never been for freaking sore in my life. My thighs and stomach muscles are killing me. It's slightly painful to walk up and down the stairs. I'm also still doing my Active Minds stuff too. Rugby practice is Monday through Friday from 4-6PM and Active Minds meets every Tuesday at 7:15PM. I still have a lot of school work to do along with that. This is my last semester here; I need to excel, get everything done on-time and done right. I may not be able to make it to every practice but I can do what I can and I'll do what I can on my own.

I'm still having difficulty settling down here. As my boyfriend put it, I've been all squirmy since a little before leaving to come back to Oswego. I just don't like the continuous leaving/returning thing. I left for 4 months for Italy, not being able to really be with my friends and family at all, came back for 4 months for summer, and now I'm gone again for another 4 months for school. At least I have the means to go back home if I want to or go and see my boyfriend but I'm still unsettled (yay for having an adjustment disorder). Everything just seems too weird now. I don't know if that's due to the fact that this is my last semester here or something else.

Everything else is going fine. I like most of my classes. Chinese Art and Gender and The Visual Arts are actually tough classes just on the workload alone. I fucking hate classes that are so heavily ANGEL based. Whatever though. I'll get my work done and hopefully I'll be a little more settled next week or just sometime soon.

So I May Be Back To This?

I know I said I would put this thing to rest after I came home from Italy but I think I may just start writing here since this is my last semester at Oswego. It may not be as frequent but it's still something that I can do to keep everyone updated and everything else.

It's only Wednesday so there hasn't really been a lot going on here. I moved in on Sunday and it's the same thing every first week: let's get to know everyone and read the entire syllabus (because we can't read). I'm taking a honors class and I didn't even know that I was. My History and Current Systems in Psychology class is considered an honors class which means that there's a little more work involved and it's graded a little heavier. I need the class to graduate so it's not like I can switch. I'm fine with that. I like my professors and I like my classes. I have a few classes with some of my friends which is awesome!

Today was the student involvement fair where all the clubs on campus try to get all the incoming freshmen and transfers to join their club. I was there for Active Minds of course and I also joined the women's rugby team. I'm not really sure why though. I like rugby but I know I can't really play because of my knee but we'll see. For Active Minds, we did get a lot of people to at least be on the mailing list which is still awesome because we always need volunteers for our events. I just want this semester to be a better semester. It seems like something always goes wrong or something terrible seems to happen at home. Basically it feels like my life around me is falling apart whenever I'm in school.

I've got a lot of shit on my mind just from home stuff. Some of it's good and some of it's bad but I really need to hunker down and focus on school. I have a difficult time concentrating on myself and dealing with what I need first so maybe I can do that this semester. I don't know how often I'll write on here but for now we'll just see what happens.

Live life to the fullest extent!

Bittersweet

Thursday ended my first semester as a senior in undergraduate school. I powered through all of my finals and I think I did well. I wont know my grades for at least a week but I don't think I failed anything so that's a good thing. There was a farewell dinner that night for everyone. It was actually pretty nice. Granted I didn't get to know a lot of the people in the program but it was nice to say goodbye to my professors and some of the friends I had made there. It was sad though because I don't know when or if I'll ever get to go back there and I really would love to.

Friday was my last full day in Firenze. I went out and bought all the little things I needed to bring back for my family, took one last walk around the Duomo, one last walk across Ponte Vecchio and looked out over the Arno and walked back to my apartment for the last time. It was a surreal feeling. Actually, it didn't really hit me at all until I was at the airport Saturday in Rome (one of my transfers to get home) that I was leaving Italy and not knowing when I would be back again.

Saturday, I left Firenze at 7:10AM (Italy time) and landed in JFK at 3:30PM (New York time). It was a 14 hour travel day but the flights weren't bad at all. I slept most of the time anyway. I am excited to be home but I miss Firenze. I can say that I am definitely experiencing reverse culture shock. Everything feels so rushed and it feels a little more hostile here. I've been in such a relaxed country that I had forgotten what it's like here. I just need some time to catch up with myself and my environment. It'll probably take 10 days to 2 weeks for me to be comfortable enough and be settled in. I've missed my family, my boyfriend, and my friends so much and I am happy to be home but I can't just rush back into things. I need to ease myself back into a way of life that I once had. I just feel a little jumbled right now and it's hard to deal with.

So, that's the end of my study abroad living. I haven't quite decided if I will keep this blog or not. I've had blogs/journals on here before and they continue to bring me a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. I also was going to shut down my facebook for a little while too but I haven't decided on that either. I'm not really sure of a whole lot right now anyway. We'll see though.

The First Week and The Last Week Are Always The Longest and Hardest

This is the final week, my last week in Firenze. It's been raining pretty much everyday for the last like week which sucks because it makes people stay home more unless you really need to go out. I have finals all next week. I'm nervous about my Italian language final. I'm not really too nervous about the speaking part; it's the written part I'm nervous about. I'm confident in my other classes but language classes always gave me some trouble. I just want to pass everything and then go home!

For my last weekend in Italy, I went to Pompei on Friday. Since it was raining, I only got to go to the Pompei ruins. I didn't realize how massive the ruins are! I totally forgot that the ruins were an entire city. It was actually the city of Pompei for a long time. It was incredible though. I was sad that I wasn't able to climb Vesuvius. If it wasn't raining I would have done that too. I was supposed to spend the night in Pompei but I ended up coming home because of an incident. I was a little lost trying to find the hostel I was going to be staying at. The information desk at the ruins gave me a completely useless map of Pompei so I just head to the city center towards the big church. I guess I was pegged as being lost and a tourist and some guy tried to mug me and tried to take my camera. He didn't get it and I'm ok, just really shaken by the whole thing. I was able to find my hostel and checked in and sat in the room for a little while. I was really uncomfortable so I decided to go back to Firenze that day. I was just a bad incident and I'm still a little shaken by it but I feel safer here in Firenze. I still got to enjoy the ruins at least.

I come home in a week. I'm getting really anxious about coming home and so is Bobo. I still have to get some stuff to take home. Friday is pretty much the packing day but I already have some stuff packed up and in my luggage. I'm a little nervous about coming home too. I miss all my friends but I don't thin k me coming home is going to be well received from them. I don't know how to put it. I don't feel like they're going to care. I've tried my best to keep up with everyone online and stuff but it's different when you're in person. We'll see though. I just want to get back home at this point. I'm going to miss Firenze and Italy as a whole but I do miss being home. I've got a bit of a sore throat right now but that might be due to the drastic weather change here. I don't have a fever and I'm not coughing so I'm really hoping that it's just extreme allergies.

I hope everyone at home is doing well and I hope everyone is having a good semester and keep on keeping on! The semester is almost over for those who are still in college. I'll see you all when I get back!

A Doppo!

BUONA PASQUA!

It means Happy Easter in Italian and I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!

I'm sad that I wasn't able to spend Pesach or Easter with my family this year. I was really upset Friday when the internet in the apartment decided to die right before I was going to skype with my family like I usually do and it was Pesach (Passover). I got to talk to my parents yesterday and I'll be skyping with my entire family again for Easter! I'm excited for that. I know they're going to celebrate all the end of March/beginning of April birthdays today at Easter. It's weird not being home for the holidays and what's worse is that Grandpa Bob isn't here. Usually we go to their apartment for the first or second night of Passover and Grandpa Bob always made some kind of religious joke or would say "Let's just eat!" and that wasn't there this year. It's hard to think about and deal with. He's only been gone for 6 months and it's just been really difficult to deal with. My grandma seems lost without him here and I'm in Italy. I mean there wouldn't be a lot I could do if I were home cause I'd be in Oswego but I could manage to take a train or dirve down there for a weekend. It's just kind of heavy.

Easter here in Italy is interesting. The weather sucks today though; it's all rainy and gross out. I did get to go to the Duomo and witness this medieval tradition called carro del fuoco or fire carriage. There's this huge procession of people dressed up in medieval costumes with instruments and stuff. They walk in front of the Duomo and pretty much put of this ceremony. At the end, they wheel in this huge carriage lined with firecrackers and fireworks. The arch bishop says a prayer, blesses the crowd and the carriage and then they set off the carriage. It was so cool! Really loud but really cool. It's an interesting tradition and since Ester is the holiday here, there were a ton of reporters and camera crews there for the celebration. It's a little weird though because the whole city pretty much shuts down today and tomorrow (Easter Monday). It's not something I'm used to but it's definitely an experience.

On another note, two of our housemates moved out. I know, with so little time left what's the point? Well, there was an altercation between some of the other housemates and things got intense and threatening rather quickly so CAPA decided to move two of them out. The whole energy of the apartment changed after that. It's whatever at this point. I really can't be bothered with stuff like that. We're supposed to be somewhat adults so why can't we all just be somewhat civil towards each other? Whatever though, there's too little time left to think about that stuff right now.

I know I'm adding this a little later than I originally posted but it just occurred to me. Since I've been living in Firenze, I don't have the American ideals of beauty plastered in my face on a daily basis and I haven't watched television in 4 months either. There is an Italian standard and ideal but for whatever reason I don't feel like I have to or need to succumb to it (and that's not because I'm leaving in two short weeks). I also haven't had any physical contact with my boyfriend in that same amount of time nor have I really felt like I get the encouragement from him either. Yes, he does tell me I'm beautiful and so on and so forth but it doesn't feel like it's the same as when I home but then again that could just be me being paranoid. Lately I've been in such a funk about my appearance and my body issues. I did have a short struggle with an eating disorder when I was at UCCC, and there are times when I feel like starving myself is the better solution. As much as I am proud of my sister Danielle for her weight loss surgery and the great progress she's made, I get this almost backlash feeling. Mostly on myself and how I feel. It's rather hard to explain actually without sounding like I'm not supporting her. I end up feeling like I need to do the same thing or like now I'm the fat, ugly one. I turn confidence into cockiness and over-confidence turns to that anyway so I end up feeling like shit. I can understand how she wants to brag about her progress and where she's come from, but for me it feels more shoved in my face as to say 'hey I'm skinny now and the world is better this way'. Once again, it's hard to explain without it sounding like I hate my sister for what she's going through and that's not even close to what it is. I'm so proud of her and the decision she made to have the surgery and the amount of weight she's lost pretty much since I've been in Italy. It's a really difficult thing to explain and I know this is not going to come across as I want it to so I'll just leave it at that.

I leave Firenze in 13 days! I'm excited to go home and also sad to leave Firenze. It's a mixed bag at this point. I sometimes feel like a lot of the bullshit I endured from CAPA and some of the people here will over shadow my experiences here. I'm trying not to let that get to me but it's hard. I can't wait to be home and see everyone! I hope everyone is doing well!

Ciao <3

End of Week 11 and Into Week 12

2 weeks of classes and one week of finals left! It's really getting down to the wire. I have a lot of stuff to do in the next 2 weeks so I'm hoping to get everything done and I'm sure I will.

My nephew and my boyfriend's birthday was on Friday. Sid turned 10 and Bobo turned 21. I'm so upset that I wasn't home for their birthday. I never miss those things but I was able to skype with them and talk to them at least. I feel so old now that Sid is 10 now. I can't believe he's already 10! He'll be a teenager way to soon for my liking haha. Bobo went to my house for dinner and then I think he went to the movies with his cousins. I know he just turned 21, I know he's said he doesn't want to drink but I was really nervous for him to go out with his cousins. I asked him not to and he said he wouldn't and then I thought about it. I sound really hypocritical of me to say that to him after I went out for my 21st birthday. I know I'm not much older than him but I've gone through enough to have known that I didn't really want to drink but it seems that's the only way I can hang out with certain friends. Whatever though; it happened and it's fine. I joking told him he gets one 'can you come get me' call and that's it and I jokingly told him he had a week to get it out of his system. I know he wont drink but I was just worried about this weekend and possibly some of his friends back at RPI but I know he has a strong enough will power anyway.

My dad has somewhat officially quit his plumbing job! He's pretty much working part time while the deli gets on its way. I still have to talk my Lane Bryant about days I can work because I'll be in the deli. I'll probably work mostly closing shifts at Lane Bryant but it's income until the deli picks up. I'm so proud of my dad, my family for doing this! Coming home is going to be so much more exciting with all the new things going on. It'll take some time for me to adjust fully but that's something I need to work on. Ra is also starting new things too! She applied for some customer service jobs down in Astoria. I know, those of you who know my sister don't really think customer service but she does need the change and get the hell out of the burgh cause god knows that job really is going nowhere fast. She has an interview Tuesday and I really hope she gets it! I'm really happy for her for go for the change and she has been sticking with her sobriety. It's a day by day thing but she's been sober now for 4 or 5 months now and I'm so proud of her for everything.

Danielle broke our rule! She wasn't supposed to post any pictures until I came home but she was going through some emotional stuff. She decided that she's a new person and that her old self made that promise and she just wanted to show how much more her new self is. I can respect that and it's fine. As long as she's happy and growing into the person she wants to be, then what the hell right.

On a much more serious note, a really good friend of mine from college overdosed last week and was hospitalized for a few days. She's alive and doing better but I don't know if I'm alright you know. What happened was that she was dating a guy who has Borderline Personality Disorder and he started to become very critical of her, saying that her problems and such weren't as important as his, verbally abusive towards her and he was being physically abusive towards her therapy dog. He was making all her triggers worse and worse and she finally couldn't figure out what to do anymore. She took both bottles of her meds, aspirated on her own vomit. Luckily her roommate was home and was able to call an ambulance in time. The guy just stood there wondering what to do and not helping her at all! I'm heartbroken that it had to come down to that and I'm pissed at her now ex boyfriend. Part of me feels like if I had been there I could have done something to help her maybe end the relationship before it got to that point or something. I don't know I'm still just in shock. She had withdraw from this semester and she has to get an order of protection on Monday. It bothers me and hurts me so much that I'm not home to help in those moments. There's not a lot I can do from here except to check in every now and then and talk to people when I can. I'm still a little shaken by it and I know she's doing better and she's alive. That's what matters to me.


Things here in Italy have been fine though. Thursday I gave a talk in my cross cultural psych class about mental health. Active Minds at Oswego started this Speak Your Mind panel discussion where members from the club go into classrooms and share their personal stories about mental health issues; whether they themselves have a mental health disorder/issues or know someone who does and how they handle/deal with it. Guess what I had to do? Yup, you guessed it, I sat with my class and divulged information and my story to them and some it was things I haven't even told my friends back home. I did omit some information because I didn't want to make it just that much more uncomfortable but I know when I do it at Oswego to include that information. Granted, the class Thursday was small (I mean like 5 students total because everyone went to Paris and some decided to skip class) but I was still nervous as hell doing it. It was a great success though. One of my classmates brought her aunt with her to class and her aunt actually started to cry. I guess she was just so moved and touched by my story and bravery, that's how she responded. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad that it was successful. I hope that when I get back to Oswego, we'll being doing this in full swing and I'm so pumped to do it again. I kind of know how to go about it now and how to organize my thoughts a little better.

I went to Rome on Saturday and it was amazing! I went to Vatican City, the Trevi Fountain, and the coliseum. Vatican City was amazing and it's freaking huge! I climbed to the very top of St. Peters Basilica and the view was just incredible. I climbed 1,102 steps; 551 up and then back down. My calves hurt from it today but it was worth the view. Just being there was amazing. After that, I headed to the Trevi Fountain. I honestly don't know anything about the Trevi Fountain but it was still amazing to go there. It's a huge, beautiful fountain and I could have just say by it all day but damn was it crowded. It is definitely tourist season now which kind of ruins the rest of the experience here but hey I've been living here for almost 4 months so I can't complain. After that, I went to the coliseum. I was just blown away by it. I'm seeing things, going to places that I never thought I would and there I was, just hanging out at the coliseum. I was literally touching history and was just in complete awe of the coliseum. I wish my family and my boyfriend could have been there. Going to Rome and getting to do small trips like that really are amazing. I really need to thank my grandma when I get home for giving me the money to go to Rome and getting to go to Pompeii.

I hope everyone at home is doing well and I will see you all soon! <3

It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN!

If you can hear the crappy 80's song in you head, good for you lol!

I have 26 full days and 3 full weekends left in Firenze. There's a ton of stuff I haven't seen yet and to be honest, I rarely have left Firenze. I still have to go to the Accademia museum where the real David is, do Rome, Pompeii, Fiesole, Volterra and maybe even go explore Perugia and Bologna because those are the areas where my great grandmother was from. The reason I haven't really left Firenze is because of money. I need to have some money for when I get home for gas (it's over $4 a gallon in New York right now!) and I legit need some new jeans and shirts because they're either stretched out/too big or I have worn them out! I also need to buy a dress for Sue's wedding in June and a wedding gift. I haven't even finished getting things for my family from Italy yet either. I also need to save about $100 to check my baggage at the airport and for the cab ride to the airport. I'm trying to be responsible about this stuff even though I'm here studying abroad and I should be taking every opportunity to go travel and see what there is to see because I don't know if I'll make it back here anytime soon or ever. I don't like asking my family for money, I really don't. I really thought what I was given before I left and the small amount my mom would send every week for groceries would be enough and I was wrong. I'm not asking for like thousands of dollars here, just to clarify. I think, In total, I've asked for and received an extra like $500 (maybe a little more), obviously not all at once. My grandma is sending me money to go to Rome and Pompeii for a weekend. I don't feel right doing that, especially since my dad is just starting his deli business. I can hear people telling me to act my age or act like a college student but I'm not the typical college student nor am I a typical female/person either. It's working out regardless anyway so I have Rome and Pompeii as a trip coming up. I'm excited about that.

As it stands right now, my mom is almost done painting the deli. I think they just need to get an inspector there to check it out and then it should be all good from there. It should be up and running by the time I get home. I think they moved the soft opening to April 15th so by the 21st everything should be good from there. That's where I'll be working this summer, all summer and anytime I'm home from college or breaks. I don't mind, obviously, and it's kind of good to ease my way out of retail. I love my managers and the friends I've made at Lane Bryant but I can't do minimum wage anymore. I know I won't be getting a whole lot more working at the deli but it's a change of pace and environment. I might still be able to work for Lane Bryant like 2 days a week but that would have happened anyway since it's the summer season and we're usually really slow. I'm super proud of my dad for finally opening the deli and I can't wait to be home and see it in action.

I'm starting to have a hard time dealing with going home. Not that I'm not happy about it but there's just been so much going on at home with family and friends that I kind of feel like it's going to be overwhelming for a little while. One of my friends from Oswego is having some serious issues with her new boyfriend and her roommate. Her boyfriend has borderline personality disorder and she herself has many mental health disorders and she has really sensitive triggers. We were talking about it last night and it made me realize how much of an influence and impact I really have on people. She is going to therapy and so is he and she joined a support group to help her deal and manage with BPD. I just need to know that they're both safe and that no one is going to get hurt or do something they will regret. With the roommate, she isn't paying her half of the rent on time and she's been making it difficult for my friend to have her boyfriend there. Technically, the apartment they live in is my friends. She's been living there for I believe a year. The roommate shouldn't make my friends boyfriend feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in anyway. He has really sensitive triggers too and that's also part of why I'm a little worried about my friend. They doing ok right now but I just worry a lot about her sometimes.

I'm also freaking out about grad schools. For each school, I have to write a 5 page paper about why I want to be a social worker. I suck at writing papers, but it's a topic I like so I should be fine right? Wrong. I'm terrified about writing this damn paper. I should get started on it soon but I just get so nervous and freaked out about it. I wont be going to grad school until the fall of 2013 so I do have some time but I really need to get these applications started and really start to get a bit more serious about it. There's not a whole lot you can do with a B.A. in Psychology so I kind of have to go to grad school. I'm just super nervous about it. I think I have 5 or 6 schools I'm applying to and two of them are really like high level schools. Oh grad school, you're probably going to kill me. Oh well, it's something I have to do so I'm hoping for the best. Wish me luck!

The other part of this is my one sister, Danielle. She had weight loss surgery the beginning of December and she has lost a huge amount of weight already. She really is becoming a new person; a happier, take on life kind of person but I worry that the mental part might not be following all the way. That's a huge thing to do is get the mind and body as one. Would therapy help, most likely but that's up to her. No one can force her to do it. I talk to her every now and then and I know she says shes fine and stuff but there's going to be a wall she hits and somethings gotta give. It's a huge process and it's not an easy one either. There's a difference between being cocky and confident and having too much of either one makes people just uncomfortable to be around. I'm more worried about her new found confidence and that it might cross that line of cocky. I can't handle that. I don't like overly confident and cocky people. Have some modesty and dignity. If anything, I worry that it'll be kind of shoved in my face about all the weight she lost and look at me kind of status. I know she'll read this and be surprised by it. I'm the youngest sister and I don't exactly voice these things a lot but when I do, it seems to come as a shock to everyone, except for Ra I think. So here it is, in black and white, my fears and opinions of my one older sister who we're all so proud of for doing what she has done.

I also have my fears about my own relationship when I get home. We did kind of talk about it the other night so I'm a little better now but my fear was that he wasn't going to love me the same when I got home because we've been apart for almost 4 months. I know, it sounds so silly to, well probably anyone who reads this, but it's true. That's how I felt and of course I struggled to tell him that. As long as we get to keep talking like we have been since I've been here, we'll be fine and we'll continue to do the same when I get home (he'll still have a few more weeks of school left when I get home). It'll probably be more frequent but we'll still have that open line of communication. It's just going to be sad because I'll only get to see him for part of that Saturday and Sunday. He did say that we would come home on the weekends to see me or I can go up and see him for the few weeks he'll have left in his semester. The point is, it'll all work out and we really are fine. I don't want to be that girl who needs the constant reminders from her boyfriend but I am right now and I hate myself for it.

So, there it is, in writing. My time in Firenze is almost done. Readjusting to home life it's going to take some time and everything else kind of just falls into place, maybe even a little askew. So here's to the last month in Firenze, to the friends I've made here, and the unforgettable experiences I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.

Lazy Sunday and So Little Time Left

So, I've been living in Firenze for about 3 months now and I have about one month left here! I still can't believe it's already mid March and how little time there is left before I go home! It's a little of a surreal feeling but I'm excited to go home and a little sad because I'll miss Italy but I miss home a lot more haha!

There really wasn't a whole lot going on this week or weekend. We came back from spring break last Sunday and it's basically just getting back into the swing of things from break. I did finish my sculpture for my sculpture class. I would describe it but describing it might get a bit confusing. I have to go to the studio to take pictures of it anyway. I have no idea how I'm going to get it home or even if I will bring it home. It's pretty heavy and it's rather big. I'm struggling with my anthropology paper though. Religion is a touchy subject no matter where you are but here in Italy, it's almost like it's taboo to talk about why people follow one faith over another and so on. My professor told me I should go to mass and synagogue. I really don't want to but if I can get people to talk about religion as I need to, then of course I will do it. I hate writing papers!

My dad is officially opening his deli. It should be up and running by the time I get home from Italy and then I'll be working for him full time. I do have to talk to him about that though. I have a guaranteed job at Lane Bryant when I come home. I know it will be super part time because it's summer time but I need to know if I need to quit working there this summer or if I can do both. I mean I don't really mind either way but I just need to know so that I can call them and give them the heads up.

My boyfriend is struggling with life pretty much. He's struggling with me being so far away, with school, with his parents, and with what he wants his career to be. He does have two other plans but he hasn't quite told his parent yet. Well, actually, he hasn't told them anything about them except that he doesn't want to go into research anymore. I did talk to him about our relationship though. We kind of got a little lost and we weren't communicating very well so we're fixing that right now. That mainly has to do with the distance and that I don't have the privacy to really talk to him but I'm saying fuck it and I'll say what I need to say. We can't keep it the way it has been since I've been here. Obviously at home it's different because I can have my privacy and talk to him but here you really can't and we both have to change the way we talk to each other, at least for the next month until I get home again. It's close to the end of my time here anyway so I feel like we're going to be just fine. If we can manage this long, I think that we're going to be just fine.

I still struggle with my own demons on a daily basis and some days are better than others but more recently, they've been worse. Mostly with body image and depression. I have to call my insurance company and see if they even cover mental health, then I have to see what therapists in my area they will cover and so on. It's such a pain in the ass but I know it really has helped me. I have considered meds though. Pretty much, I'm going to give active therapy a year and if I don't feel like just therapy is working, then I have to start talking about meds and therapy together. I don't necessarily want to, but if it'll improve my conditions then I have to do it. My boyfriend has been very supportive of me and he tries his best to help me in the little ways he can. I know he doesn't fully understand and part of that is my own fault because I haven't completely told him and most of the time it's hard to. Hell, most of my friends at home have no idea of my diagnosis and what's really going on. That's not something I have shared with them yet. If I can just power through the rest of my time here (and still have fun of course) then I think I can manage. I've done it this long, so what's another month right?

"Every time I think of you, I become a silly girl in my head
Part of me hates it, part of me loves it
But I can't decide"

A doppo!

Spring Break

Yesterday, we got back from our spring break trip. I was only able to go to Prague and Amsterdam because I was sick the first few days of spring break.

Prague was AMAZING! It was so beautiful there, I swear I feel in love with that city. It just has so much history and the buildings are beautiful. It was just all around an amazing time. We went to Prague castle which is obviously freaking HUGE! The cathedral was so gorgeous! The stained-glass windows were just amazing. I seriously can't get over that city. The old Jewish quarter was really awesome too. We went to the cemetery and some of the remaining and still functioning synagogues. The cemetery is enormous! I couldn't even capture all of it with my camera, that's how massive it was. We also went to this little museum call the museum of sex machines. It was freaking hilarious! I should have taken pictures in there but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. There was this little like movie theater where they were playing the first ever pornographic films. They were both from I believe the mid 1920's. I gotta say, big women need love too. The women in these porns were pretty tall and pretty big. It's kind of weird to see that shift in what's considered beautiful and what's not in society in standards of beauty. I was just blown away by the food and just everything Prague had. I kind of wish we could have spent more time in Prague. I hope I can make it back there one day.

Amsterdam, well it's Amsterdam. Hookers, pot, and a few really awesome historic sites and museums. In a nutshell, if New Paltz was a burough of New York City and pot and hookers were legal, that's Amsterdam. It was a fun trip there though. The Anne Frank house is there and we saw that. That was actually really hard for me to get through. I may not be religious or anything but have some respect people! There were people in there who, I felt, kind of just wrote the whole thing off and were just like ' yeah it's the house of some girl'. Whatever though cause I liked it and it's something that's really important. We also went to the Van Gogh museum. I was so excited about that! Vincent Van Gogh is one of my favorite painters and I got to see 'The Bedroom' and all the 'Sunflowers' paintings! I'm such a dork when it comes to those things. I was really impressed with that museum. We did spend a lot of time roaming around the red light district. This is what we figured out from the red light district: during the day, the really old prostitutes work and the bigger girls are on display for your needs and at night the skinny, prettier ones are on display for business. They legit stand in this tiny apartment in the window just hanging out trying to call guys into their rooms. They are not allowed to solicit on the street, otherwise it becomes illegal. We counted 5 trannies and we figured out that the pride flag on a hotel was a homosexual hookup hotel. There were also live peep shows and live sex shows. It kind of made you feel a little dirty but it was just too funny. Also, you can't take pictures of the hookers which made me really sad but whatever, that is definitely something I wont forget. Obviously, a lot of coffee shops are pot shows where you can either smoke or get an edible. No, I did not do either of these things and I never will. There was one night where we all went to this ice bar. Yes, an ice bar which is probably the corniest thing I have ever done. It was pretty awesome drinking a beer out of a glass made of ice but damn I think once is good enough. We also went to the Heineken brewery which actually was pretty cool. I actually learned a lot about the properties of beer, how to make it and the process, as well as all the tastes and things like that. I may not be a drinker but I can still appreciate going to the brewery. Amsterdam really isn't a city for me and I think like one and a half days there is good enough for anyone really.

Getting home from Amsterdam was a looong freaking adventure. We took a night train from Amsterdam to Zurich, Switzerland and then from there we were supposed to go to Milan and then transfer to Florence from Milan. That didn't happen. Before we left Zurich, there was a landslide in the alps so they had to reroute the train to go around the alps. The alps are fucking HUGE! I think we transferred at least 6 times just in Switzerland (including a bus transfer) just to get to Italy but we didn't even get to make it to the central station in Milan. We had to take the subway from the second Milan station to the central and then get on a speed train back to Florence. In all, it took a total of about 28 straight hours just to get back to Florence. Holy fuck, it was a long freaking journey. Spring break was awesome though so I'm glad I actually did something. I still wish my mom could have came out and we could have gone exploring Florence together though.

So, I found out that my dad is legit opening his deli!!! As far as I know, he should be having a soft opening on the 19th and then after that he should be officially open in April (probably by the time I get back home but hopefully sooner!). Obviously, I will be the counter bitch and hopefully I can still work at Lane Bryant as well. I will definitely need the money after being in Italy for 4 months and how bad gas prices have been in the states. I also hope that Bobo can get that job at the bank this summer. I know how much he really doesn't want to do the summer research and I know he always feels bad when he can't help pay for something. I'm actually quite nervous about coming home and that whole adjustment period. I don't really know why, but I am.

On another note, there is legit like less than a month and a half left of my stay in Florence and it's going to fly by. I can't believe that more than half of the time is already gone and it's mid March already! I didn't get to celebrate my 6 year anniversary the way I kind of wanted too but that's ok, I can always do it here or wait until I get home for that. I'm still struggling with some very personal things and it's hard to push them away because I'm afraid that once I get home, it's just going to hit me so hard and I don't know if I can handle that. I'm kind of going off a little bit here but that's ok, I write what I want to. I hope everyone else has a great spring break this week (whoever has one) and I hope everyone is doing well and I will now be back to getting in touch with everyone!

Ciao <3

Seven Weeks, Spring Break Plans, and 6 Years

I've been living in Firenze for seven weeks now and it's been a great experience thus far. The weather has been so nice, like it's pretty much spring here already. The food is amazing and I'm definitely developing my cooking skills since we pretty much cook in the apartment every night. The drama/situation in the apartment seems to be settling itself out but then again I don't feel enough time has passed to really gauge it so we'll see about that. I'm excited to go home again but I'm also a little sad thinking about leaving. I just hope someday in my life I can make it back to Italy.

Spring break started on Friday until Sunday the 11th and I'm going to Prague and Amsterdam with two of my housemates, a friend of one of my housemates and her boyfriend who's in CAPA with her. Originally I was going to be going with them to Germany Thursday night but I went to the doctor and I have a sinus infection and I'm malnourished. I took a few days off from traveling to get better because I didn't want to travel in that condition and feel miserable. The sinus infection is A LOT better than it was. The pressure isn't as bad anymore and I'm a little less stuffy. I feel better, health wise I guess. I don't know how to really tell if malnutrition is better. I'm less shaky, less cold, and I seem to have a little more energy so I guess that's better right? I'm going to Prague tonight and I'm meeting up with the rest of the people I'm going with in Prague. I'm really excited and really nervous about going though. I've never actually gone away for spring break or really done anything for a spring break. I'm more nervous about how I'm still going to keep in touch with my family and my boyfriend. I don't know the internet situation in the rest of Europe let alone in Prague or Amsterdam. The last like two days, I've been in like a constant state of panic (oh the joys of anxiety attacks). I get really anxious when I don't get to talk to my family or my boyfriend (I know it sounds silly but it's the truth). I can't help it and I've been so upset about it that I'm not even thinking about how I'm going to two different countries that I've never EVER been to or imagined that I would be going to. I know it may sound silly to everyone but I really love my family and my boyfriend. This is truly the first time my boyfriend and I have been this far away from each other for so long. It hurts and it's frustrating at times but we've made it this far, so I think that's better than most people. I'm going to try and call my family and boyfriend while I'm away for the week but I can't guarantee anything. I have my emergency phone so at least I can make a quick call and say hey I made to wherever and that I'm safe. I just get such anxiety over those things.

Tomorrow is my personal anniversary. I will have not self harmed in six years. It's a little weird to think about it; to think about where I've come from and where I am now. I can't say that I don't have urges because then I would be lying. It's a struggle everyday, especially in overwhelming and stressful times. The rubberband trick is something that worked pretty well for me but I've also taught myself othe ways to deal with it. Music works sometimes but part of the reason I started boxing was so that I didn't have to solely rely on the rubber-bands anymore. It focused those intentions into something else and focused my mind on something else. That's really what I need to do is focus/distract myself from those thoughts and urges. I can't say it always works but more than half the time it does. It's a personal triumph for me and I have all my friends and family to thank for being so supportive and sticking by me in my times of need and helping me along. I also have my boyfriend to thank too. Even though he didn't know me when I was at my worst, we've had many conversations about it and he's seen me use the rubberbands before. He's been with me and stuck by my side (almost 4 years now!) supporting me and helping me. I'm glad I've come this far and I hope and pray (yup, that's right PRAY) that I don't relapse. Even though it's alright if I do slip up, it's not the end all and I know who will be there to catch me fall and help me back up.

So here I am, getting ready for my spring break and a personal triumph all in another country. I'm fortunate enough to have these experiences and they will always be with me no matter what.

BUONA SALUTE!

Scattered

I don't usually update this blog so often, in fact I leave it to once a week but this last week and the things I've been thinking about seem to have a need to escape, at least for today.

Lately, I've been thinking about the people back home, the ones I'm still friends with, the people who've been in and out of my life, people from high school that I may not have been friends with, just people. I've lost touch with a lot of good people after high school and I'm starting to settle on it. They're still good people but the connection is kind of lost and that's actually really sad. I can't bother myself with those kinds of thoughts though. What has been has been and what will be, will be. I always talk about how New Paltz is a vortex for people and it's true. If you never leave that town, you're doomed to stay there and probably become some kind of addict, usually pot or something and alcohol. Too many good people I know have become those townies, those people who never left; or if they did leave they took the essence of the town with them and still became that addict. I do have a love/hate relationship with that town. When I'm away long enough, I do miss it but then I do home and it's dead; just nothing is left for me there except for my family and the few friends I still have there. If I could completely detach, I would and I'm starting to get to that point but I need more money, a better job to be able to detach and be free from the bondage of that vortex. I've also realized that, if you have lived in New Paltz you're entire life, it seems like that the right of passage is to move to Manhattan. Not that I have a problem with that, I love it down there and well that's where my family is from and where I am from too, but it does something to people who aren't from there. There's a change that I guess I'm not used to. I know people grow up and that's wonderful but I've been somewhat grownup a good portion of my life. It's just really sad to not be able to connect with my friends like I used to and it kills me. I lost a lot of good connections because I don't drink or do those things anymore. Growing up is hard to do and we all have to do it. I missed out on my adolescence and I guess part of me wants it back but I can never have it back. It's funny, I'm here in Italy enjoying the time that I have here (although recently I can't seem to get myself motivated to get out and go places and I'm malnourished at the moment) and I miss home so much but going home is going to be hard. I know what's at home waiting: my family, my boyfriend, my minimum wage job, and some friends. The first two I miss terribly, I need a better job but I'm thankful that they keep rehiring me every summer and during winter break, and I do miss my friends. My thoughts are all over the place and I can't concentrate on anything that I should be. I've become a recluse in Italy and that's not what I want the rest of this experience to be. I just can't seem to figure it out right now and that worries me.

About Halfway

Six weeks in, and I feel like I'm breaking down. There was some apartment drama that went down but it seems like it been progressing toward being better. Who knows though, right. Friday starts Spring Break for us and everyone will be going away for the week so we'll have to see how it all pans out.

I didn't really leave the apartment this weekend. I have a lot of school stuff to do for midterms week and also I've been really depressed lately. It's been to the point where I don't want to get out of bed or leave the apartment at all. It kind of feels like when I just got here but worse. I can't really explain it. It's like I don't have the energy anymore to go out and do things, even if it's just going to walk around downtown. I don't really know what's wrong and that bothers me too. If I keep feeling like this, I might change my spring break plans. I'll still go places but I might have to do it by myself. Sometimes that's all it takes, just me to be by myself and recollect myself. My mom told me that she was actually going to come out here for my spring break but when I told her what my plans were, she decided to just split the money between my sister and I. I told her I could change my plans and she could still come out here but she said it's fine and would rather me have a good time and experience here. I just don't know what to do. I can't get the help that I know I need here, all my friends are at home not here, and communication is kind of difficult because of the time difference and stuff. Plus, I'm also slightly sick again. It's just been a really difficult week and weekend and I just feel lost. There's no other way to explain it except for a lost type of feeling. I don't know what to do. Hopefully I can get it together and really enjoy spring break and everything else.

Other than all that, this weekend one housemate went to Rome for the weekend to visit a friend, one housemate left for the weekend with her boyfriend to the Almalfi coast, and the other two and myself were here all weekend. They went out and stuff but they didn't like go somewhere for the weekend. I still have studio hours I need to put in this week which is also going to be difficult. I kind of have an idea for sculpture but it changes every time I start to put it together. Hopefully I'll have a final project from it. I also was able to pack, yes PACK, some of my clothing away. I packed up the heacy sweaters that I don't ware and some shirts that I seriously have not worn since being here. It's actually kind of nice to be like 'hey, I can pack that away'.

I also found out that my dad is legit thinking about opening his own deli! I knew something was going on because he kept asking me if I had a job when I got back and he asked me if I considered working in a deli/bakery. I told him I would if they paid me more than minimum wage. Then I talked to my mom and she told me that my dad was really considering open a deli/bakery and would need counter help. If he actually gets it up and running by the time I get home, I will gladly go help my dad out. That's not a problem. All he had to do was ask I mean come on dad, really. Also it turns out that the day after I come home from Italy, a family friend is getting married! My mom told me not to worry about it and I didn't have to go because I'll be sleeping due to jet lag. I feel bad about not going to it but that's going to be tough. I'll really have to see how bad my jet lag it before I really do anything about it.

Non lo so

Week 5 and Holding Strong

It's been a pretty rough week for me. Aside from the housemate issues, which my mom has helped in making a contract that we will all go over tomorrow when I can print it out and everyone will be home, it's been a lot harder this week to be here. Yesterday, I got to skype with my entire family. They were all at my grandparents house to celebrate PeePa's 70th birthday. It was really awesome to say hello to everyone and get to see and talk to everyone but it was really sad for me not to be there with them. Toni-Ann "fed" me meatloaf through skype (and it was delicious!). It was just really hard to not be there. There's rarely been a family event that I have missed and it really sucks that I'll be missing a whole bunch of birthdays and holidays while I'm here. I'm grateful that I'm here and I'm lucky that I'm here, I just miss home so much.

Bobo has been having difficulty this semester. His work load is a lot more intense and he also decided that he doesn't want to do research anymore. So he's also having a crisis of career. He said he's been considering becoming a high school physics professor and I'll support him in whatever his decision is (as long as it's healthy, just to clarify). We've also been having some communication difficulties which makes things somewhat tense between us. After we had down the two days a week we would talk/skype, I thought it would be cute to email him daily about my day and what was going on since there's no privacy to talk here, I'd let him know what was on my mind and stuff. It was working well for like a week and then he just stopped checking his email. Then we talked about it and he said that he's always on skype so I can send him skype messages. I did that and he was on skype once. I really thought he was avoiding me and didn't want to talk to me. Turns out he was avoiding other people online and he's actually become somewhat fearful of being online. I can understand him not checking his email because RPI sends him a lot of emails about physics research and he doesn't want to do that anymore. On skype, he was avoiding someone he was fighting with and then he was avoiding other people as well. He forgot to at least give me a text letting me know this so I thought he was avoiding me too. Well he's not and he's been so depressed and he's not getting enough sleep either. We talked about it tonight and we came up with a new plan (although I really have my doubts about it) that we will talk Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. We really miss each other and I guess I never realized how, dependent, we are of each other. It's more like dependent emotionally and things like that. It's just really hard not being home or around him to do anything. There's no comfort if we're not around each other. I'll be home soon enough though.

Saturday, Dominique and I went to this really cool antique fair in Florence near the train station. I swear, had my mom been here, should would have bought so much furniture! It got really weird and creepy when we came upon World War II Nazi memorabilia. They had Nazi helmets, gas masks, some one's passport thing; it was kind of creepy and sad too.

So today, I went to Venice for Carnevale. Holy shit it was PACKED! I mean it was worse than Manhattan during Christmas. On the flip side, the costumes were amazing and the atmosphere there was incredible. It wasn't so much like a drunken party as it was more like a Renaissance festival but much larger. I think I might go back there before I go just to explore the city when it's much less crowded. It was really nice though. I had a good time there. I think Gina would have made a killing there with her face-painting. There were so many people lined up to get their faces painted for Carnevale. I think if I ever get the chance to come back here, I would dress up for Carnevale. It seems like it would be a lot of fun to do that. Yes, I did buy masks but I bought one for Danielle and one for Jessica.

I still need to get stuff for my parents, Bobo's parents, Ra, Sid, and Bobo. I have yet to actually buy myself anything. I'm trying not to spend all my money at once. I know I have enough and my mom send me like $50 a week for groceries but I just worry about trips and buying myself well really anything. I can't fit into the clothes here so I'm kind of limited as to what I can get myself (or at least I'm limiting myself about that). If I can find a really good pair of leather shoes, I'll buy them and I know I am definitely getting myself a nice leather bag. I'm just always concerned about money, how much things cost and stuff like that.

I'm playing the rest of my weekends by ear. I don't really do the whole planning thing unless I need to but I want to enjoy Florence and Italy itself. I go want to go to Bologna, Volterra, Perugia, and Pompeii but those are really the only things I would kind of plan besides spring break. I'm pretty sure I have enough time to see all those things and the museums I've missed here in Florence.

Hostile

This apartment has become filled with passive aggressive bullshit! Beth and Alex have been bitch and complaining about how the apartment isn't clean and so on. First of all Alyssum, Dominique, Cullen (when he's here), and myself ALWAYS clean the apartment. We do THEIR dishes and our own, we sweep and clean the kitchen, the smaller bathroom because they have claimed the larger one, and the hallways and our respective rooms. The only thing they have contributed to the household is toilet paper and only twice. They've only taken the garbage out once and they didn't even finish doing it. I had to finish taking out the rest of the garbage. They use all the stuff in the kitchen that WE have bought, not them. I'm going to try and talk to them tonight about it all (if they actually come back home tonight). If this shit doesn't change, I will tell CAPA that they need to move me into a different apartment or pay for a hotel for the rest of the time I'm here. I will not deal with this adolescent bullshit. I don't give a fuck if you are in a sorority where everything is done for you. I don't care if you're a spoiled little bitch who's parents take care of everything for you. Pick up a fucking broom, mop, sponge and get to fucking work. I'm not your maid or house cleaner. Start contributing to the house as a whole and clean up no matter what. It's already mid February, we don't have a whole lot of time left here so lets just make it as easy as possible.

4th Down

A month down of living in Firenze and it's been pretty awesome so far. There's really not a whole lot to report on about school. School is school and it has its ups and downs just like as if I were at Oswego. In my psych class, we did have locals that were our age come in and speak to us. Three of them were half Italian and half American but were born and raise in Italy and the one guy was actually the boyfriend of the girl who came to speak to us. They bascially just told us about living in Italy and American and how they perceive the study abroad students. In my art classes, I'm still working on what I want to do for the art show. For sculpture I was going to do song interpretation. I was going to use Our Lady of Sorrows by My Chemical Romance and Razor by Foo Fighters. I'm still working on that one. For watercolor, I'm kind of at a loss. I have this great idea for a photo and I can watercolor over parts of it but all the people I use for models are at home. I had Ra send me my portfolio so I can still kind of do something, maybe with that stuff. Who knows. Something will come to me in time. I still need to put in studio hours too. I'll probably dedicate Monday's and Wednesday's after class to do that. At least 4 hours a week should be good as long as I start doing that like tomorrow.

This weekend was the handmade chocolate festival! It was amazing! There were so many vendors and so many things to sample. They were all different kinds of hot chocolate (white, dark, and a variety of milk chocolate), tons of candied chocolate covered fruits, chocolate animals and a variety of objects, and just tons and tons of solid chocolate bars. It was an amazing experience to be there. I didn't buy anything but it is going on next weekend and then that's it. Maybe I'll buy some stuff to take home and freeze it. Maybe though. It might not make it back to the apartment ha ha!

Spring break is looking interesting. Since I was the only one not going to the Prague castle tour, the current prince takes you on a tour of his castle, everyone else also decided not to do it to. My dad knows someone who lives there and speaks english that can give us a tour of the city. I think that's really awesome because I don't know or speak the language and it's a completely new country that I haven't been adapted to. I kind of feel like I'm deviating from the group a little bit. They all seem to live by this guy Rick Steves who apparently is this travel writer. I thought the point was to creat your own adventure not follow someone else. Alyssum and Cullen have already planned out the rest of their weekend's here. I'm totally not that kind of person. I wing it. If I want to go somewhere, I'll hop on a train and go or plan out at least the times for the train and just go. We'll see what happens.

So the other day, I was looking at flights for Bobo to come out here for his spring break. I found flights that were about the same as my flight out here (just around $870 for a round trip ticket). The only thing about the flight home was that he needed to stay overnight in Paris but he would still be back in time for classes to start again. It made me really sad because I know it will never happen and I think he might be getting an electric drum kit. He told me to talk to him parents about it but I wont. Well I can't anyway because I don't have their numbers anymore because I had to replace my SIM card and I lost all my numbers. Yes, I can just ask him for his parents numbers but I wont. Not until I come home at least so I'm not tempted to call and ask and see if there is a possibility. I just made me really sad. I miss him a lot. I miss being with him. I miss my family a lot too. I miss my parents, my sisters, my nephew. I miss seeing my nephew on the weekends or sometimes picking him up after school.

I've been having really bad days of depression and I don't know how to handle it here. At home it was different cause I was getting some help from the school but here, I haven't actually called the counseling place yet. It just seems a little weird for me to do while I'm here but I know I need to. Yesterday, after the chocolate festival, we all walked around and went into some clothing and shoe stores. I was so uncomfortable because I kind of knew what my size was in Italy and it's MUCH BIGGER than the girls here. The same thing happens to me at home when I go shopping with almost anyone except like Ra and that's really it. I'll need to just take a day by myself and just go get some stuff. I want to bring back at least one nice outfit from here. I'm not saying I'm going into designer stores and buying stuff. I'm sticking with more local shops and such to find things. Although I did go into the La Perla store. Holy shit that place is expensive. Some of the stuff there was nice but I can find the same things for WAY cheaper and probably nicer too. I just I'm not really a fashion person except that I really like retro/pin-up clothing.

A presto!

3 Weeks In

It's been about 3 weeks since I've been living in Firenze. It's been really nice.....except for this crappy cold snap Europe has been having! It's been snowing, bellow freezing, and terrible winds. None of us left the apartment yesterday because it was just WAY to damn cold. It's actually the coldest it's been in like 30 years. I thought I was going to avoid all the snow and cold.

I almost freaked the fuck out on SUNY Oswego. They online service that they use almost everything for wasn't letting me apply for December 2012 graduation and apparently it was the last day to do it online. I called them and they did it for me manually. Even in another country, they still try and screw me. I've decided I'm getting a single next semester. I deserve it and I will make it happen. I just have to pay my housing deposit next week and then the housing selection starts. I swear if I have to make a trip to Oswego when I get back, someone is going to die! I might go back up to see some of my friends graduate but that's the only reason I will be making a trip back up there after Italy and then again when I have to go back in the fall.

Friday I went to Siena and San Gimignano. Both places were covered in snow and ice and both cities were completely hilly. Not exactly the best way to try and walk around a new city. Siena was gorgeous even covered in snow and ice. It was nice to be in more of a country side area than a city and much smaller than Firenze. We had a walking tour of Siena and then had some free time to explore on our own. It was way to cold to do any real exploring but we did explore some of the shops in the center of Siena where we ended the tour. San Gimignano on the other had is an extremely small village, you can walk it in 5 to 10 minutes, but so beautiful and also completely full of hills. It's nicknamed the city of beautiful towers which is true. There used to be 17 towers but now there are only 14 and I believe it has the tallest tower in Italy. The view from the top of one of the towers was so amazing! You could pretty much see the whole country side. I would love to go back there when the weather is much warmer and you could actually see all the vineyards and stuff. I saw some really nice looking olive trees too! Cullen, my one housemates boyfriend, thought olives grew on vines not trees. Friday was a nice all day outing.

Yesterday, it was so cold and windy and just miserable out that none of use left the apartment unless we needed to go to the little market that's right by the apartment. It was just miserable out and just way to cold to even try and walking into the center of the city. We also started a cooking cycle in the apartment. We all take turns making dinner one day of the week to save money and also it just makes a hell of a lot more sense to do that since we all live in the same apartment. We had fish tacos last night and it was really good! Dominique made her own salsa cause well you can't find it here. Almost everything we've made has been some kind of Italian version of something we've tried to make. I've made risotto twice and I'm totally getting better at it. I need a bigger pan though to make it better. Our cooking system seems to work pretty well and we'll probably keep it going. Oh and out heat and hot water turned off last night. We had to call the CAPA emergency number and they had to call our landlord to come downstairs and fix it. I think all he did was restart the hot water maker but I don't really know. At least we know we can knock on their door if we need anything now.

I still have to figure out what I'm going to do for spring break here. We were all going to go to Greece but then it changed just because Greece is in a lot more financial crisis than Italy and getting there seemed to be a bit of a hassle. Instead, they're going to be doing like a European tour kind of thing. You pick 5 countries to visit and you get this train pass to use within like 2 months or something. I'm not quite clear on how it works but I really don't have the money for it. It's $1,000 to do that trip and that's something I can't afford and I know my parents can't really afford that either so I'm going to try and stay in Italy. Maybe I'll spend a week in Venice or try and get down to Sicily. I don't know just yet. I have to really think about it. I never really did anything for spring break at home so it's a little weird for me to try and plan one now. We'll see what happens.

I plan on going to Venice and Viareggio for Carnivale because it's going on all month long and I think up until Easter. I'm excited for it! I might go next weekend but we'll see. Classes are good. They're starting to pick up a little bit. I still don't feel like I can say anything in Italian except for what my name is and how old I am. I really am better at understanding another language than speaking it which really sucks if you think about it. I'm nervous for the oral part of the final we're going to have to do. I might say something in class about practicing more with actually speaking the language cause I really feel lost sometimes in that class.

I still miss home a lot. I miss my boyfriend a lot too. I email him pretty much everyday because there's no privacy so talking to him on the phone or through skype I can't always say what I want to so I email him and that seems to be working out. I get my little piece of home by talking to my family and I can stream WRRV and WPDH here in Italy so I can get my radio stations at least. It's just hard being here and hearing about stuff that's going on at home and not being able to be there. I almost considered trying to get home for spring break but that would make things so much worse when I have to come back to Firenze again. I wish there was a way for them to come out and visit me but it's so expensive to get out here. It just get really hard sometimes. I haven't even talked to CAPA about seeeing someone to talk to while I'm here. Apparently the only way to do that is to see an outside therapist and I don't know if the insurance I have from SUNY Oswego covers that and I don't know if my parents insurance will cover it either. I'll have to actually talk to someone tomorrow and see what can be done. I kind of feel ashamed to ask but it's something I feel that is good to have just in case.

Other than all that, it's been really amazing being here and living here. I hope someday I can come back here with my family and boyfriend.

Week Two

Second full week in Firenze and it's been getting better. Dominique, Alyssum and her boyfriend Cullen, and myself have all pretty much bonded and been our own group. Beth and Alex have pretty much disassociated from the rest of us. Yeah we kind of interact with them but apparently they don't like me all to much. Apparently they saw one of the first videos I posted from here and I said they were party girls. They were offended and said they they're not party girls but they don't have the balls to say shit to my face. So going out every night drinking and not coming home until between 3 and 5am and bringing home a strange guy doesn't constitute as party girls? Yeah, that's what I thought too. We're going to try and sit down and talk to them today and if things don't change within the week, I'll talk to CAPA and someone is probably going to move out. It is what it is and that's all that can really be done about this.

So I went to Boboli Gardens Friday. It was so amazing and so beautiful. Even though there isn't a lot of things in bloom right now, it was still gorgeous. It's freaking HUGE! I actually got lost in the gardens. You need a full day to actually explore the full garden. It was a little sad though. I went to one of the romantic places in Italy by myself. I really wanted Bobo to be there. It was nice though just to kind of be you know. After that, the four of us went out to dinner at this really tiny restaurant. It was sooo good! I got this chicken dish with a balsamic sauce over a salad. It was nice not to have to cook too haha!

Saturday, we went to Pisa to see The Leaning Tower. The train station here in Firenze is huge and rather confusing. To buy tickets, you have to use the ticket machines. They don't have actual people to buy tickets from. The tower was really cool. Not as big as people made it seem. Actually, if anything, it was kind of a disappointment. There's nothing in Pisa except the tower and this one section that's essentially a strip mall kind of area. Yeah, the tower was really cool to see and yes we took the typical touristy pictures but really not wroth doing again. Once really is enough. The Duomo they have is beautiful and so underrated! That was worth the trip too. The pizza in Pisa isn't great. It's also possible that we've just become so used to Firenze pizza that we might be becoming "snobs" about it. It was a nice day though to go out and stuff. I made risotto for the first time too! I undercooked it a little bit but it was really good. I'm proud of myself for it. Risotto isn't exactly an easy thing to make and it takes practice and patience to make it well.

I think I'm starting to settle in a bit more here too but not always in a good way so to speak. Mentally, all the things I thought I kind of left in New York are coming back. I actually thought I'd be better here because I'm not bombarded with media and American ideals of women and things like that. I can't help but feel like, with these new people, it's all coming back to how I was treated in the states. They haven't said or done anything to really warrant me feeling this way but all those things just keep flooding back into my head and they're starting to effect me. I'm starting to feel like I need to withdraw myself more and more from the group. I don't know! It's all really confusing actually. I don't even know if I have an opportunity to talk to someone here about these things and I'm a little worried that if I can't, what will happen. I just don't know right now and it's a little concerning to me.

Week One and Done

So my first full week of living in Firenze is done with. I really enjoy my classes. My psych professor is freaking hilarious! She's so funny and she's also a mental health counselor here in Firenze. I think Thursday after class I might stay and talk to her for a little bit about that. Not being a counselor in another country but being a counselor in general. The anthro class seems like it's going to be really awesome. I've never taken an anthro class and I'm glad I'm taking that one. Plus, the professor has an awesome mustache ha ha. The watercolor class seems interesting. I haven't really played around too much with watercolor before. I usually work with acrylics or photography so it should be interesting and the professor is awesome. The Italian class is structured so odd. I might say something in class tomorrow about slowing down a little bit and explaining some of the stuff.

I'm starting to get better at understanding Italian but I haven't really had much luck with speaking it. Every time I want to respond to something, I combine what I remember from Spanish class and Italian. I'll have to practice that a lot more.

I went to four different museums over the weekend. Dante's House, the Galileo Museum, San Marco museum and the Uffitzi. Dante's house was soo cool! I kind of got a creepy vibe walking in the house but it's amazing how much he is appreciated here in Italy. The Galileo museum was intense. There was just sooo much to see in that museum. They had some of Galileo's bones and one of his teeth. I wish like Ra, Sid, Kurt, and Bobo could have been there. They would have loved it. The Uffitzi was gorgeous. The ceiling alone can make you cry. I got to see the original "Birth of Venus" painting by Botticelli. That whole place is just amazing. It sucks that I couldn't take any pictures but I'll always remember. The San Marco museum was really awesome. It used to be a monastery during the Renaissance and underneath the building were all these murals from that time period. It was just amazing.

I am adjusting better here. I'm almost adjusted to the time difference and I walk like 10 miles a day here. Some of us are already trying to plan our spring break in Greece. I don't know if I can afford to really travel like that but I'm going to try.

I still cry every now and again cause I miss home so much but I'm getting used to being here. I think once classes pick up a little more, I'll be ok and by then before I know it, it'll be April and we'll have to leave.

Oh and congrats to Danielle on all the weight she has lost so far! It's a complete change for her and I know it's going to be tough but I'm so happy for her and I know that the woman that she's always been is really coming to blossom. I'm excited for Jessica too cause she'll be going through weight-loss surgery too. She has to get her insurance approved and then she'll be on her way.

I still say to you Danielle, come out to Italy. Bite the bullet and just do it.

Adjustments

My week of classes is almost over. I have 3 more tomorrow and then my school week is done! So far, I really like my classes. The professors are awesome and the classes seem like a lot of fun, especially my anthropology class. I've never taken an anthro class in my life so it should be interesting. I found out from that class that people in Italy generally go food shopping daily or every few days because everything is so fresh that it doesn't keep as long as food does back in the states. At some point, I think all of us girls should sit down and figure out food stuff. I know the one girl is vegetarian but we can all work with that. I think if we buy main food items for everyone, it'll work out better and then people can get specific things for themselves. It might save everyone some money in the long run. Alos I kind of feel uncomfortable around my room mates. I'm starting to feel like I used to feel, comparing myself to them and becoming kind of recluse. I'm the biggest girl here and it's uncomfortable. I'm going to wait another week and if I really still feel this uncomfortable, I'm going to inform CAPA and that's all I can really do.

I'm planning of a few trips around Italy. I want to go to Venice for Carnivale, which is this huge celebration a few weeks before ash Wednesday. It's celebrated throughout all of Italy but Venice goes all out with huge costumes and stuff like that. I really want to bring home some Venician masks. They're so pretty. There's also this huge Medieval tradition done on Easter. I forget what it's called in Italian but it's basically this huge cart burning with eggs in the cart. Sounded interesting so I'll be going to that.

I met Grandma Norma's friend Antonella yesterday. She's a very sweet woman. She doesn't speak much English but she completely understands it and I can understand some Italian and speak pretty much none (for now). I'll probably meet up with her again at some point and meet her children and we'll see how it goes from there.

I really hope Danielle decides to come to Italy for like a week or however long she can stay. She was saying that with her tax return, she could do it. I say do it! It's a once in a lifetime thing and I know she's been wanting to go to Egypt and I can get super cheap flights to Cairo to go see the pyramids. I hope she decides to come out.

I'm still trying to adjust to the time difference and everything else. College for my friends and boyfriend start on Monday. I really thought they had another week but I was wrong. Bobo and I have already kind of created a schedule to talk while he's in school and I'm here. I have a feeling it's mostly going to be Wednesdays and Sundays but it's better than nothing. I talk to my family every Friday and it'll all work out. I just worry too much about things that haven't happened or just things in general. Bobo and I were talking yesterday and he was basically telling me that everything was going to be fine, that he wasn't going to cheat on me, and that we've done the long distance thing already and we'll be fine. He said something like being together for 4 years is longer than being apart for 4 months and that we're going to be fine. I just worry about that kind of stuff and I know I shouldn't really but I can't help it. I'm becoming more and more adjusted. I don't have weeping fits as much and I'm kind of getting my bearings. I'm sure in the next month I'll be just fine.