I've been so busy and preoccupied with work, Danielle's wedding, trying to get this new job, and everything else in my life that I almost forgot yesterday was my anniversary. It's been seven years since I last self-injured/self-mutilated. It hasn't been easy and temptation is still there but I've made it this far without a relapse. I'm thankful and grateful for all the people in my life that have supported me. It's been a trying seven years to say the least and everyday is still a challenge. Of course some days are better than others but I have enough will and strength to not go back to that, at least I like to think so. I've come pretty far in my life. Even with everything I have going on right now, I'm proud of where I've been and how far I've come. It's no easy task but I did it and will continue to do so.
On a different note: my background check cleared and I have to do some training and then I start on the 18th! I'm super nervous and excited all at once.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A Rock and a Hard Place
So as far as things go right now, I'm still waiting for my background check from Gateway to clear and then I have some training/certifications to go through and BOOM I will be working as a residence counselor. I'm super excited and nervous about this job but I know it'll be great for me.
My relationship with Bobo is still in limbo/on-a-break. We're trying to talk more on the phone. My work schedule doesn't really allow us to see each other very much and we're also trying to work on that as well. It's hard and my head and my heart can't seem to agree with each other lately. Today we had a conversation about having kids. Now, for those who don't know, when I was 17 I was diagnosed with PCOS which makes conceiving very difficult or almost impossible. I have talked to my endo and my primary. As far as that goes for me, my chances of conceiving are slim to none and if I do conceive, my chances of carrying to term are slim to none. Yes, there are fertility treatments and so on but I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain. Knowing this information since I was 17, I have recently changed my mind about having children. I used to not wants kids and now I'm really considering wanting children. The problem is that Bobo doesn't want kids at all. He keeps saying not right now and that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking in the future does he want them and he doesn't. I'm extremely upset by all of it. I don't know what to do about that. If I want kids and he doesn't, what the fuck are we supposed to do about that? Both people need to want kids, not only one of them. I'm not quite sure what to really do about that.
Another issue is that I have admitted to myself that I have very strong feelings/emotions for one of my best friends from college. I'm just going to call him "XY" because I'm not going to put someone on blast here. Him and I kind of had a conversation about it. I told him the truth about how I felt and he understood and kind of reciprocated. It's hard because I do have those feelings for him but I love Bobo so much. I'm not quite sure how to handle it and I don't think "XY" fully understands how I feel but after we had the conversation, we're still friends, drinking buddies ect. I just don't know how to handle it I guess. I'm going up to Oswego on Thursday for the weekend to go visit him so I guess maybe I can figure things out by the end of the weekend. I just want things to go back to how they were before like September.
My relationship with Bobo is still in limbo/on-a-break. We're trying to talk more on the phone. My work schedule doesn't really allow us to see each other very much and we're also trying to work on that as well. It's hard and my head and my heart can't seem to agree with each other lately. Today we had a conversation about having kids. Now, for those who don't know, when I was 17 I was diagnosed with PCOS which makes conceiving very difficult or almost impossible. I have talked to my endo and my primary. As far as that goes for me, my chances of conceiving are slim to none and if I do conceive, my chances of carrying to term are slim to none. Yes, there are fertility treatments and so on but I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain. Knowing this information since I was 17, I have recently changed my mind about having children. I used to not wants kids and now I'm really considering wanting children. The problem is that Bobo doesn't want kids at all. He keeps saying not right now and that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking in the future does he want them and he doesn't. I'm extremely upset by all of it. I don't know what to do about that. If I want kids and he doesn't, what the fuck are we supposed to do about that? Both people need to want kids, not only one of them. I'm not quite sure what to really do about that.
Another issue is that I have admitted to myself that I have very strong feelings/emotions for one of my best friends from college. I'm just going to call him "XY" because I'm not going to put someone on blast here. Him and I kind of had a conversation about it. I told him the truth about how I felt and he understood and kind of reciprocated. It's hard because I do have those feelings for him but I love Bobo so much. I'm not quite sure how to handle it and I don't think "XY" fully understands how I feel but after we had the conversation, we're still friends, drinking buddies ect. I just don't know how to handle it I guess. I'm going up to Oswego on Thursday for the weekend to go visit him so I guess maybe I can figure things out by the end of the weekend. I just want things to go back to how they were before like September.
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