Roller Coaster

After an eventful week of a roller coaster of emotions (which I can guarantee will continue), I've come to the conclusion that all I have suffered here hasn't been for nothing.

I know how that sounds but I have suffered emotionally and mentally form being here for the last two years. Between my family, friends, and boyfriend and myself it's been rough. There's a lot of shit going on at home that I cannot control and I know that. It's shitty but I know what I have to do when I get home and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm glad I still have a job to return to but I'm rather disappointed that the jobs that I have seen available require a master's degree. I'm going to apply to places like that anyway and some of the mental health facilities as well. I need something in my field (even though I want school psych) and I need experience. Working retail and at a gas station isn't exactly the experience employers really want or are looking for.

My boyfriend has been all over the fucking place emotionally. He was super down; depressive, suicidal down and I have been the same way. I attempted once this semester and went to crisis twice. After last week with that whole situation with my friend, he seemed to get worse and then suddenly sprang back up recently. When do I get to fall apart? When is it ok for me to just collapse and break down? I understand that I am a pillar for people but pillars break sometimes. I haven't really had the time to do so. I've had to take care of my boyfriend and myself. I know I'm selfless and it can be a huge problem but I don't know how to entirely fix that "flaw". It's just been up and down for much and so rapidly, I can't handle it. I've been having mania fits since Monday and that lasted three full days, stopped, and started up again today. It's fucking shitty is what it is. I have one more paper to write and studying to do so these fits need to stop. I can't focus or concentrate when I'm like that. I know I need to set something up when I get home and now I really do need to discuss potential meds (at least for the anxiety and mania).

I'm not going to lie, I'm completely freaking the fuck out about leaving Oz. I know I have complained about it before but when graduation is right in your face and you've made some real connections and friends, it's hard to leave. I will miss the people I have become close with up here. I really want to stay in touch with everyone that I made friends with from here. I just hope I can maintain those friendships. I haven't been very good at maintaining the ones from home and I think it gets harder all the time. I just really hope that I will see the people I've met here again and keep in contact with them cause they all are freaking awesome.

I'm excited to be graduating and I'm excited for whatever to happen next but I'm also scared shitless. I've  mentioned to my boyfriend that I know for a fact that I cannot handle another 3 to 4 years apart like this again. Probably 80% to 90% of our relationship has been a long distance relationship and I'm tired of it. This last semester has been the worst semester for us and I'm terrified that if we went away again, it wont last and that'll be the end of it. I know we shouldn't be together if it really wont work but we never really had time to be with each other. I mean yeah we have but the time in between hasn't worked out in out favor. I know my heart belongs to him and I know exactly where I stand. I need him to really figure that out for himself and hopefully we're on the same page. As far as I know right now, we are but we need to discuss grad school options and someone is going to have to make a sacrifice. It's rather overwhelming right now.

I have one more paper to write and 3 finals to study for. I'm trying my best to keep it together but I'm tired and worn out. I just want to go home and be done with academics for a little while. I'm all over the place.

Never A Dull Moment

The last three or four days I've been having a mental and emotional breakdown. I'm overworked and over stressed with school life and my own personal life seems to be a bit of a mess lately.  I have 3 more papers to write and today I can't focus on them. They're all half written anyway so it's not bad but they still need to get done.

I can't handle being away from my boyfriend like this anymore. I miss spending time with him and going out and doing things with me. I don't think I could handle us going away to grad school apart. I don't think I have the strength for that anymore. I love him so much, I want to be with him. My heart and my mind hurt too much from this and this semester has been so hard, I don't even want to imagine what grad school would be like. We've also been kind of fighting about one of my friends. Friday my friend, who is a guy, and I went out drinking and dancing. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to suddenly change my feelings about him and run off with my friend. First of all, fuck no. I love my boyfriend so much that I don't have a heartbeat for anyone but him. Second, since when can't friends go out drinking and dancing together? I used to do it with my friends all the time and this was no different. It's kind of a fucked situation because he trusts me and he doesn't want to tell me that I can't have any male friends (which I don't really have a lot of anyway). I think he's uncomfortable with the friendships I have with people. They're not superficial friendships, they're more like relationships. My friends are my family and I would do anything for them. I don't know right now.

When I went out Friday, I was having such a good time. I forgot what it feels like to be 22 instead of 32. I just want to be my age and not have to be such an adult all the time. I can hear the groans and see the rolling of the eyes but I have had to more of an adult ever since my nephew was born when I was 12. My boyfriend says I do need to do more for myself, do thinks for me everyone once in a while and I never really knew what to do. I do miss going out dancing with my friends and just hanging out and doing whatever. Not giving a fuck really. I don't agree that members of the opposite sex can't be friends without wanting to fuck the other. I know it has to do with attraction to the other but I have had plenty of guy friends and never fucked them. Whatever, I don't care anymore.

I can't push myself any more or any harder than I have been. I just feel so done, nothing left to give. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, my body hurts. I don't want to fight anymore.