If you can hear the crappy 80's song in you head, good for you lol!
I have 26 full days and 3 full weekends left in Firenze. There's a ton of stuff I haven't seen yet and to be honest, I rarely have left Firenze. I still have to go to the Accademia museum where the real David is, do Rome, Pompeii, Fiesole, Volterra and maybe even go explore Perugia and Bologna because those are the areas where my great grandmother was from. The reason I haven't really left Firenze is because of money. I need to have some money for when I get home for gas (it's over $4 a gallon in New York right now!) and I legit need some new jeans and shirts because they're either stretched out/too big or I have worn them out! I also need to buy a dress for Sue's wedding in June and a wedding gift. I haven't even finished getting things for my family from Italy yet either. I also need to save about $100 to check my baggage at the airport and for the cab ride to the airport. I'm trying to be responsible about this stuff even though I'm here studying abroad and I should be taking every opportunity to go travel and see what there is to see because I don't know if I'll make it back here anytime soon or ever. I don't like asking my family for money, I really don't. I really thought what I was given before I left and the small amount my mom would send every week for groceries would be enough and I was wrong. I'm not asking for like thousands of dollars here, just to clarify. I think, In total, I've asked for and received an extra like $500 (maybe a little more), obviously not all at once. My grandma is sending me money to go to Rome and Pompeii for a weekend. I don't feel right doing that, especially since my dad is just starting his deli business. I can hear people telling me to act my age or act like a college student but I'm not the typical college student nor am I a typical female/person either. It's working out regardless anyway so I have Rome and Pompeii as a trip coming up. I'm excited about that.
As it stands right now, my mom is almost done painting the deli. I think they just need to get an inspector there to check it out and then it should be all good from there. It should be up and running by the time I get home. I think they moved the soft opening to April 15th so by the 21st everything should be good from there. That's where I'll be working this summer, all summer and anytime I'm home from college or breaks. I don't mind, obviously, and it's kind of good to ease my way out of retail. I love my managers and the friends I've made at Lane Bryant but I can't do minimum wage anymore. I know I won't be getting a whole lot more working at the deli but it's a change of pace and environment. I might still be able to work for Lane Bryant like 2 days a week but that would have happened anyway since it's the summer season and we're usually really slow. I'm super proud of my dad for finally opening the deli and I can't wait to be home and see it in action.
I'm starting to have a hard time dealing with going home. Not that I'm not happy about it but there's just been so much going on at home with family and friends that I kind of feel like it's going to be overwhelming for a little while. One of my friends from Oswego is having some serious issues with her new boyfriend and her roommate. Her boyfriend has borderline personality disorder and she herself has many mental health disorders and she has really sensitive triggers. We were talking about it last night and it made me realize how much of an influence and impact I really have on people. She is going to therapy and so is he and she joined a support group to help her deal and manage with BPD. I just need to know that they're both safe and that no one is going to get hurt or do something they will regret. With the roommate, she isn't paying her half of the rent on time and she's been making it difficult for my friend to have her boyfriend there. Technically, the apartment they live in is my friends. She's been living there for I believe a year. The roommate shouldn't make my friends boyfriend feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in anyway. He has really sensitive triggers too and that's also part of why I'm a little worried about my friend. They doing ok right now but I just worry a lot about her sometimes.
I'm also freaking out about grad schools. For each school, I have to write a 5 page paper about why I want to be a social worker. I suck at writing papers, but it's a topic I like so I should be fine right? Wrong. I'm terrified about writing this damn paper. I should get started on it soon but I just get so nervous and freaked out about it. I wont be going to grad school until the fall of 2013 so I do have some time but I really need to get these applications started and really start to get a bit more serious about it. There's not a whole lot you can do with a B.A. in Psychology so I kind of have to go to grad school. I'm just super nervous about it. I think I have 5 or 6 schools I'm applying to and two of them are really like high level schools. Oh grad school, you're probably going to kill me. Oh well, it's something I have to do so I'm hoping for the best. Wish me luck!
The other part of this is my one sister, Danielle. She had weight loss surgery the beginning of December and she has lost a huge amount of weight already. She really is becoming a new person; a happier, take on life kind of person but I worry that the mental part might not be following all the way. That's a huge thing to do is get the mind and body as one. Would therapy help, most likely but that's up to her. No one can force her to do it. I talk to her every now and then and I know she says shes fine and stuff but there's going to be a wall she hits and somethings gotta give. It's a huge process and it's not an easy one either. There's a difference between being cocky and confident and having too much of either one makes people just uncomfortable to be around. I'm more worried about her new found confidence and that it might cross that line of cocky. I can't handle that. I don't like overly confident and cocky people. Have some modesty and dignity. If anything, I worry that it'll be kind of shoved in my face about all the weight she lost and look at me kind of status. I know she'll read this and be surprised by it. I'm the youngest sister and I don't exactly voice these things a lot but when I do, it seems to come as a shock to everyone, except for Ra I think. So here it is, in black and white, my fears and opinions of my one older sister who we're all so proud of for doing what she has done.
I also have my fears about my own relationship when I get home. We did kind of talk about it the other night so I'm a little better now but my fear was that he wasn't going to love me the same when I got home because we've been apart for almost 4 months. I know, it sounds so silly to, well probably anyone who reads this, but it's true. That's how I felt and of course I struggled to tell him that. As long as we get to keep talking like we have been since I've been here, we'll be fine and we'll continue to do the same when I get home (he'll still have a few more weeks of school left when I get home). It'll probably be more frequent but we'll still have that open line of communication. It's just going to be sad because I'll only get to see him for part of that Saturday and Sunday. He did say that we would come home on the weekends to see me or I can go up and see him for the few weeks he'll have left in his semester. The point is, it'll all work out and we really are fine. I don't want to be that girl who needs the constant reminders from her boyfriend but I am right now and I hate myself for it.
So, there it is, in writing. My time in Firenze is almost done. Readjusting to home life it's going to take some time and everything else kind of just falls into place, maybe even a little askew. So here's to the last month in Firenze, to the friends I've made here, and the unforgettable experiences I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Lazy Sunday and So Little Time Left
So, I've been living in Firenze for about 3 months now and I have about one month left here! I still can't believe it's already mid March and how little time there is left before I go home! It's a little of a surreal feeling but I'm excited to go home and a little sad because I'll miss Italy but I miss home a lot more haha!
There really wasn't a whole lot going on this week or weekend. We came back from spring break last Sunday and it's basically just getting back into the swing of things from break. I did finish my sculpture for my sculpture class. I would describe it but describing it might get a bit confusing. I have to go to the studio to take pictures of it anyway. I have no idea how I'm going to get it home or even if I will bring it home. It's pretty heavy and it's rather big. I'm struggling with my anthropology paper though. Religion is a touchy subject no matter where you are but here in Italy, it's almost like it's taboo to talk about why people follow one faith over another and so on. My professor told me I should go to mass and synagogue. I really don't want to but if I can get people to talk about religion as I need to, then of course I will do it. I hate writing papers!
My dad is officially opening his deli. It should be up and running by the time I get home from Italy and then I'll be working for him full time. I do have to talk to him about that though. I have a guaranteed job at Lane Bryant when I come home. I know it will be super part time because it's summer time but I need to know if I need to quit working there this summer or if I can do both. I mean I don't really mind either way but I just need to know so that I can call them and give them the heads up.
My boyfriend is struggling with life pretty much. He's struggling with me being so far away, with school, with his parents, and with what he wants his career to be. He does have two other plans but he hasn't quite told his parent yet. Well, actually, he hasn't told them anything about them except that he doesn't want to go into research anymore. I did talk to him about our relationship though. We kind of got a little lost and we weren't communicating very well so we're fixing that right now. That mainly has to do with the distance and that I don't have the privacy to really talk to him but I'm saying fuck it and I'll say what I need to say. We can't keep it the way it has been since I've been here. Obviously at home it's different because I can have my privacy and talk to him but here you really can't and we both have to change the way we talk to each other, at least for the next month until I get home again. It's close to the end of my time here anyway so I feel like we're going to be just fine. If we can manage this long, I think that we're going to be just fine.
I still struggle with my own demons on a daily basis and some days are better than others but more recently, they've been worse. Mostly with body image and depression. I have to call my insurance company and see if they even cover mental health, then I have to see what therapists in my area they will cover and so on. It's such a pain in the ass but I know it really has helped me. I have considered meds though. Pretty much, I'm going to give active therapy a year and if I don't feel like just therapy is working, then I have to start talking about meds and therapy together. I don't necessarily want to, but if it'll improve my conditions then I have to do it. My boyfriend has been very supportive of me and he tries his best to help me in the little ways he can. I know he doesn't fully understand and part of that is my own fault because I haven't completely told him and most of the time it's hard to. Hell, most of my friends at home have no idea of my diagnosis and what's really going on. That's not something I have shared with them yet. If I can just power through the rest of my time here (and still have fun of course) then I think I can manage. I've done it this long, so what's another month right?
"Every time I think of you, I become a silly girl in my head
Part of me hates it, part of me loves it
But I can't decide"
A doppo!
There really wasn't a whole lot going on this week or weekend. We came back from spring break last Sunday and it's basically just getting back into the swing of things from break. I did finish my sculpture for my sculpture class. I would describe it but describing it might get a bit confusing. I have to go to the studio to take pictures of it anyway. I have no idea how I'm going to get it home or even if I will bring it home. It's pretty heavy and it's rather big. I'm struggling with my anthropology paper though. Religion is a touchy subject no matter where you are but here in Italy, it's almost like it's taboo to talk about why people follow one faith over another and so on. My professor told me I should go to mass and synagogue. I really don't want to but if I can get people to talk about religion as I need to, then of course I will do it. I hate writing papers!
My dad is officially opening his deli. It should be up and running by the time I get home from Italy and then I'll be working for him full time. I do have to talk to him about that though. I have a guaranteed job at Lane Bryant when I come home. I know it will be super part time because it's summer time but I need to know if I need to quit working there this summer or if I can do both. I mean I don't really mind either way but I just need to know so that I can call them and give them the heads up.
My boyfriend is struggling with life pretty much. He's struggling with me being so far away, with school, with his parents, and with what he wants his career to be. He does have two other plans but he hasn't quite told his parent yet. Well, actually, he hasn't told them anything about them except that he doesn't want to go into research anymore. I did talk to him about our relationship though. We kind of got a little lost and we weren't communicating very well so we're fixing that right now. That mainly has to do with the distance and that I don't have the privacy to really talk to him but I'm saying fuck it and I'll say what I need to say. We can't keep it the way it has been since I've been here. Obviously at home it's different because I can have my privacy and talk to him but here you really can't and we both have to change the way we talk to each other, at least for the next month until I get home again. It's close to the end of my time here anyway so I feel like we're going to be just fine. If we can manage this long, I think that we're going to be just fine.
I still struggle with my own demons on a daily basis and some days are better than others but more recently, they've been worse. Mostly with body image and depression. I have to call my insurance company and see if they even cover mental health, then I have to see what therapists in my area they will cover and so on. It's such a pain in the ass but I know it really has helped me. I have considered meds though. Pretty much, I'm going to give active therapy a year and if I don't feel like just therapy is working, then I have to start talking about meds and therapy together. I don't necessarily want to, but if it'll improve my conditions then I have to do it. My boyfriend has been very supportive of me and he tries his best to help me in the little ways he can. I know he doesn't fully understand and part of that is my own fault because I haven't completely told him and most of the time it's hard to. Hell, most of my friends at home have no idea of my diagnosis and what's really going on. That's not something I have shared with them yet. If I can just power through the rest of my time here (and still have fun of course) then I think I can manage. I've done it this long, so what's another month right?
"Every time I think of you, I become a silly girl in my head
Part of me hates it, part of me loves it
But I can't decide"
A doppo!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Spring Break
Yesterday, we got back from our spring break trip. I was only able to go to Prague and Amsterdam because I was sick the first few days of spring break.
Prague was AMAZING! It was so beautiful there, I swear I feel in love with that city. It just has so much history and the buildings are beautiful. It was just all around an amazing time. We went to Prague castle which is obviously freaking HUGE! The cathedral was so gorgeous! The stained-glass windows were just amazing. I seriously can't get over that city. The old Jewish quarter was really awesome too. We went to the cemetery and some of the remaining and still functioning synagogues. The cemetery is enormous! I couldn't even capture all of it with my camera, that's how massive it was. We also went to this little museum call the museum of sex machines. It was freaking hilarious! I should have taken pictures in there but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. There was this little like movie theater where they were playing the first ever pornographic films. They were both from I believe the mid 1920's. I gotta say, big women need love too. The women in these porns were pretty tall and pretty big. It's kind of weird to see that shift in what's considered beautiful and what's not in society in standards of beauty. I was just blown away by the food and just everything Prague had. I kind of wish we could have spent more time in Prague. I hope I can make it back there one day.
Amsterdam, well it's Amsterdam. Hookers, pot, and a few really awesome historic sites and museums. In a nutshell, if New Paltz was a burough of New York City and pot and hookers were legal, that's Amsterdam. It was a fun trip there though. The Anne Frank house is there and we saw that. That was actually really hard for me to get through. I may not be religious or anything but have some respect people! There were people in there who, I felt, kind of just wrote the whole thing off and were just like ' yeah it's the house of some girl'. Whatever though cause I liked it and it's something that's really important. We also went to the Van Gogh museum. I was so excited about that! Vincent Van Gogh is one of my favorite painters and I got to see 'The Bedroom' and all the 'Sunflowers' paintings! I'm such a dork when it comes to those things. I was really impressed with that museum. We did spend a lot of time roaming around the red light district. This is what we figured out from the red light district: during the day, the really old prostitutes work and the bigger girls are on display for your needs and at night the skinny, prettier ones are on display for business. They legit stand in this tiny apartment in the window just hanging out trying to call guys into their rooms. They are not allowed to solicit on the street, otherwise it becomes illegal. We counted 5 trannies and we figured out that the pride flag on a hotel was a homosexual hookup hotel. There were also live peep shows and live sex shows. It kind of made you feel a little dirty but it was just too funny. Also, you can't take pictures of the hookers which made me really sad but whatever, that is definitely something I wont forget. Obviously, a lot of coffee shops are pot shows where you can either smoke or get an edible. No, I did not do either of these things and I never will. There was one night where we all went to this ice bar. Yes, an ice bar which is probably the corniest thing I have ever done. It was pretty awesome drinking a beer out of a glass made of ice but damn I think once is good enough. We also went to the Heineken brewery which actually was pretty cool. I actually learned a lot about the properties of beer, how to make it and the process, as well as all the tastes and things like that. I may not be a drinker but I can still appreciate going to the brewery. Amsterdam really isn't a city for me and I think like one and a half days there is good enough for anyone really.
Getting home from Amsterdam was a looong freaking adventure. We took a night train from Amsterdam to Zurich, Switzerland and then from there we were supposed to go to Milan and then transfer to Florence from Milan. That didn't happen. Before we left Zurich, there was a landslide in the alps so they had to reroute the train to go around the alps. The alps are fucking HUGE! I think we transferred at least 6 times just in Switzerland (including a bus transfer) just to get to Italy but we didn't even get to make it to the central station in Milan. We had to take the subway from the second Milan station to the central and then get on a speed train back to Florence. In all, it took a total of about 28 straight hours just to get back to Florence. Holy fuck, it was a long freaking journey. Spring break was awesome though so I'm glad I actually did something. I still wish my mom could have came out and we could have gone exploring Florence together though.
So, I found out that my dad is legit opening his deli!!! As far as I know, he should be having a soft opening on the 19th and then after that he should be officially open in April (probably by the time I get back home but hopefully sooner!). Obviously, I will be the counter bitch and hopefully I can still work at Lane Bryant as well. I will definitely need the money after being in Italy for 4 months and how bad gas prices have been in the states. I also hope that Bobo can get that job at the bank this summer. I know how much he really doesn't want to do the summer research and I know he always feels bad when he can't help pay for something. I'm actually quite nervous about coming home and that whole adjustment period. I don't really know why, but I am.
On another note, there is legit like less than a month and a half left of my stay in Florence and it's going to fly by. I can't believe that more than half of the time is already gone and it's mid March already! I didn't get to celebrate my 6 year anniversary the way I kind of wanted too but that's ok, I can always do it here or wait until I get home for that. I'm still struggling with some very personal things and it's hard to push them away because I'm afraid that once I get home, it's just going to hit me so hard and I don't know if I can handle that. I'm kind of going off a little bit here but that's ok, I write what I want to. I hope everyone else has a great spring break this week (whoever has one) and I hope everyone is doing well and I will now be back to getting in touch with everyone!
Ciao <3
Prague was AMAZING! It was so beautiful there, I swear I feel in love with that city. It just has so much history and the buildings are beautiful. It was just all around an amazing time. We went to Prague castle which is obviously freaking HUGE! The cathedral was so gorgeous! The stained-glass windows were just amazing. I seriously can't get over that city. The old Jewish quarter was really awesome too. We went to the cemetery and some of the remaining and still functioning synagogues. The cemetery is enormous! I couldn't even capture all of it with my camera, that's how massive it was. We also went to this little museum call the museum of sex machines. It was freaking hilarious! I should have taken pictures in there but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. There was this little like movie theater where they were playing the first ever pornographic films. They were both from I believe the mid 1920's. I gotta say, big women need love too. The women in these porns were pretty tall and pretty big. It's kind of weird to see that shift in what's considered beautiful and what's not in society in standards of beauty. I was just blown away by the food and just everything Prague had. I kind of wish we could have spent more time in Prague. I hope I can make it back there one day.
Amsterdam, well it's Amsterdam. Hookers, pot, and a few really awesome historic sites and museums. In a nutshell, if New Paltz was a burough of New York City and pot and hookers were legal, that's Amsterdam. It was a fun trip there though. The Anne Frank house is there and we saw that. That was actually really hard for me to get through. I may not be religious or anything but have some respect people! There were people in there who, I felt, kind of just wrote the whole thing off and were just like ' yeah it's the house of some girl'. Whatever though cause I liked it and it's something that's really important. We also went to the Van Gogh museum. I was so excited about that! Vincent Van Gogh is one of my favorite painters and I got to see 'The Bedroom' and all the 'Sunflowers' paintings! I'm such a dork when it comes to those things. I was really impressed with that museum. We did spend a lot of time roaming around the red light district. This is what we figured out from the red light district: during the day, the really old prostitutes work and the bigger girls are on display for your needs and at night the skinny, prettier ones are on display for business. They legit stand in this tiny apartment in the window just hanging out trying to call guys into their rooms. They are not allowed to solicit on the street, otherwise it becomes illegal. We counted 5 trannies and we figured out that the pride flag on a hotel was a homosexual hookup hotel. There were also live peep shows and live sex shows. It kind of made you feel a little dirty but it was just too funny. Also, you can't take pictures of the hookers which made me really sad but whatever, that is definitely something I wont forget. Obviously, a lot of coffee shops are pot shows where you can either smoke or get an edible. No, I did not do either of these things and I never will. There was one night where we all went to this ice bar. Yes, an ice bar which is probably the corniest thing I have ever done. It was pretty awesome drinking a beer out of a glass made of ice but damn I think once is good enough. We also went to the Heineken brewery which actually was pretty cool. I actually learned a lot about the properties of beer, how to make it and the process, as well as all the tastes and things like that. I may not be a drinker but I can still appreciate going to the brewery. Amsterdam really isn't a city for me and I think like one and a half days there is good enough for anyone really.
Getting home from Amsterdam was a looong freaking adventure. We took a night train from Amsterdam to Zurich, Switzerland and then from there we were supposed to go to Milan and then transfer to Florence from Milan. That didn't happen. Before we left Zurich, there was a landslide in the alps so they had to reroute the train to go around the alps. The alps are fucking HUGE! I think we transferred at least 6 times just in Switzerland (including a bus transfer) just to get to Italy but we didn't even get to make it to the central station in Milan. We had to take the subway from the second Milan station to the central and then get on a speed train back to Florence. In all, it took a total of about 28 straight hours just to get back to Florence. Holy fuck, it was a long freaking journey. Spring break was awesome though so I'm glad I actually did something. I still wish my mom could have came out and we could have gone exploring Florence together though.
So, I found out that my dad is legit opening his deli!!! As far as I know, he should be having a soft opening on the 19th and then after that he should be officially open in April (probably by the time I get back home but hopefully sooner!). Obviously, I will be the counter bitch and hopefully I can still work at Lane Bryant as well. I will definitely need the money after being in Italy for 4 months and how bad gas prices have been in the states. I also hope that Bobo can get that job at the bank this summer. I know how much he really doesn't want to do the summer research and I know he always feels bad when he can't help pay for something. I'm actually quite nervous about coming home and that whole adjustment period. I don't really know why, but I am.
On another note, there is legit like less than a month and a half left of my stay in Florence and it's going to fly by. I can't believe that more than half of the time is already gone and it's mid March already! I didn't get to celebrate my 6 year anniversary the way I kind of wanted too but that's ok, I can always do it here or wait until I get home for that. I'm still struggling with some very personal things and it's hard to push them away because I'm afraid that once I get home, it's just going to hit me so hard and I don't know if I can handle that. I'm kind of going off a little bit here but that's ok, I write what I want to. I hope everyone else has a great spring break this week (whoever has one) and I hope everyone is doing well and I will now be back to getting in touch with everyone!
Ciao <3
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Seven Weeks, Spring Break Plans, and 6 Years
I've been living in Firenze for seven weeks now and it's been a great experience thus far. The weather has been so nice, like it's pretty much spring here already. The food is amazing and I'm definitely developing my cooking skills since we pretty much cook in the apartment every night. The drama/situation in the apartment seems to be settling itself out but then again I don't feel enough time has passed to really gauge it so we'll see about that. I'm excited to go home again but I'm also a little sad thinking about leaving. I just hope someday in my life I can make it back to Italy.
Spring break started on Friday until Sunday the 11th and I'm going to Prague and Amsterdam with two of my housemates, a friend of one of my housemates and her boyfriend who's in CAPA with her. Originally I was going to be going with them to Germany Thursday night but I went to the doctor and I have a sinus infection and I'm malnourished. I took a few days off from traveling to get better because I didn't want to travel in that condition and feel miserable. The sinus infection is A LOT better than it was. The pressure isn't as bad anymore and I'm a little less stuffy. I feel better, health wise I guess. I don't know how to really tell if malnutrition is better. I'm less shaky, less cold, and I seem to have a little more energy so I guess that's better right? I'm going to Prague tonight and I'm meeting up with the rest of the people I'm going with in Prague. I'm really excited and really nervous about going though. I've never actually gone away for spring break or really done anything for a spring break. I'm more nervous about how I'm still going to keep in touch with my family and my boyfriend. I don't know the internet situation in the rest of Europe let alone in Prague or Amsterdam. The last like two days, I've been in like a constant state of panic (oh the joys of anxiety attacks). I get really anxious when I don't get to talk to my family or my boyfriend (I know it sounds silly but it's the truth). I can't help it and I've been so upset about it that I'm not even thinking about how I'm going to two different countries that I've never EVER been to or imagined that I would be going to. I know it may sound silly to everyone but I really love my family and my boyfriend. This is truly the first time my boyfriend and I have been this far away from each other for so long. It hurts and it's frustrating at times but we've made it this far, so I think that's better than most people. I'm going to try and call my family and boyfriend while I'm away for the week but I can't guarantee anything. I have my emergency phone so at least I can make a quick call and say hey I made to wherever and that I'm safe. I just get such anxiety over those things.
Tomorrow is my personal anniversary. I will have not self harmed in six years. It's a little weird to think about it; to think about where I've come from and where I am now. I can't say that I don't have urges because then I would be lying. It's a struggle everyday, especially in overwhelming and stressful times. The rubberband trick is something that worked pretty well for me but I've also taught myself othe ways to deal with it. Music works sometimes but part of the reason I started boxing was so that I didn't have to solely rely on the rubber-bands anymore. It focused those intentions into something else and focused my mind on something else. That's really what I need to do is focus/distract myself from those thoughts and urges. I can't say it always works but more than half the time it does. It's a personal triumph for me and I have all my friends and family to thank for being so supportive and sticking by me in my times of need and helping me along. I also have my boyfriend to thank too. Even though he didn't know me when I was at my worst, we've had many conversations about it and he's seen me use the rubberbands before. He's been with me and stuck by my side (almost 4 years now!) supporting me and helping me. I'm glad I've come this far and I hope and pray (yup, that's right PRAY) that I don't relapse. Even though it's alright if I do slip up, it's not the end all and I know who will be there to catch me fall and help me back up.
So here I am, getting ready for my spring break and a personal triumph all in another country. I'm fortunate enough to have these experiences and they will always be with me no matter what.
BUONA SALUTE!
Spring break started on Friday until Sunday the 11th and I'm going to Prague and Amsterdam with two of my housemates, a friend of one of my housemates and her boyfriend who's in CAPA with her. Originally I was going to be going with them to Germany Thursday night but I went to the doctor and I have a sinus infection and I'm malnourished. I took a few days off from traveling to get better because I didn't want to travel in that condition and feel miserable. The sinus infection is A LOT better than it was. The pressure isn't as bad anymore and I'm a little less stuffy. I feel better, health wise I guess. I don't know how to really tell if malnutrition is better. I'm less shaky, less cold, and I seem to have a little more energy so I guess that's better right? I'm going to Prague tonight and I'm meeting up with the rest of the people I'm going with in Prague. I'm really excited and really nervous about going though. I've never actually gone away for spring break or really done anything for a spring break. I'm more nervous about how I'm still going to keep in touch with my family and my boyfriend. I don't know the internet situation in the rest of Europe let alone in Prague or Amsterdam. The last like two days, I've been in like a constant state of panic (oh the joys of anxiety attacks). I get really anxious when I don't get to talk to my family or my boyfriend (I know it sounds silly but it's the truth). I can't help it and I've been so upset about it that I'm not even thinking about how I'm going to two different countries that I've never EVER been to or imagined that I would be going to. I know it may sound silly to everyone but I really love my family and my boyfriend. This is truly the first time my boyfriend and I have been this far away from each other for so long. It hurts and it's frustrating at times but we've made it this far, so I think that's better than most people. I'm going to try and call my family and boyfriend while I'm away for the week but I can't guarantee anything. I have my emergency phone so at least I can make a quick call and say hey I made to wherever and that I'm safe. I just get such anxiety over those things.
Tomorrow is my personal anniversary. I will have not self harmed in six years. It's a little weird to think about it; to think about where I've come from and where I am now. I can't say that I don't have urges because then I would be lying. It's a struggle everyday, especially in overwhelming and stressful times. The rubberband trick is something that worked pretty well for me but I've also taught myself othe ways to deal with it. Music works sometimes but part of the reason I started boxing was so that I didn't have to solely rely on the rubber-bands anymore. It focused those intentions into something else and focused my mind on something else. That's really what I need to do is focus/distract myself from those thoughts and urges. I can't say it always works but more than half the time it does. It's a personal triumph for me and I have all my friends and family to thank for being so supportive and sticking by me in my times of need and helping me along. I also have my boyfriend to thank too. Even though he didn't know me when I was at my worst, we've had many conversations about it and he's seen me use the rubberbands before. He's been with me and stuck by my side (almost 4 years now!) supporting me and helping me. I'm glad I've come this far and I hope and pray (yup, that's right PRAY) that I don't relapse. Even though it's alright if I do slip up, it's not the end all and I know who will be there to catch me fall and help me back up.
So here I am, getting ready for my spring break and a personal triumph all in another country. I'm fortunate enough to have these experiences and they will always be with me no matter what.
BUONA SALUTE!
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