The last three or four days I've been having a mental and emotional breakdown. I'm overworked and over stressed with school life and my own personal life seems to be a bit of a mess lately. I have 3 more papers to write and today I can't focus on them. They're all half written anyway so it's not bad but they still need to get done.
I can't handle being away from my boyfriend like this anymore. I miss spending time with him and going out and doing things with me. I don't think I could handle us going away to grad school apart. I don't think I have the strength for that anymore. I love him so much, I want to be with him. My heart and my mind hurt too much from this and this semester has been so hard, I don't even want to imagine what grad school would be like. We've also been kind of fighting about one of my friends. Friday my friend, who is a guy, and I went out drinking and dancing. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to suddenly change my feelings about him and run off with my friend. First of all, fuck no. I love my boyfriend so much that I don't have a heartbeat for anyone but him. Second, since when can't friends go out drinking and dancing together? I used to do it with my friends all the time and this was no different. It's kind of a fucked situation because he trusts me and he doesn't want to tell me that I can't have any male friends (which I don't really have a lot of anyway). I think he's uncomfortable with the friendships I have with people. They're not superficial friendships, they're more like relationships. My friends are my family and I would do anything for them. I don't know right now.
When I went out Friday, I was having such a good time. I forgot what it feels like to be 22 instead of 32. I just want to be my age and not have to be such an adult all the time. I can hear the groans and see the rolling of the eyes but I have had to more of an adult ever since my nephew was born when I was 12. My boyfriend says I do need to do more for myself, do thinks for me everyone once in a while and I never really knew what to do. I do miss going out dancing with my friends and just hanging out and doing whatever. Not giving a fuck really. I don't agree that members of the opposite sex can't be friends without wanting to fuck the other. I know it has to do with attraction to the other but I have had plenty of guy friends and never fucked them. Whatever, I don't care anymore.
I can't push myself any more or any harder than I have been. I just feel so done, nothing left to give. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, my body hurts. I don't want to fight anymore.
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