So here's how the last few months of my crazy life has gone:
My ex broke up with me August 3rd and we did try to work things out but unfortunately, I don't feel the same about him as I once did. I really don't know why. I still want him in my life though. Maybe I just need time to myself and get myself a little bit more put together before anything else in my life.
October 30th I got a call back to be hired at a place in Binghamton and I took the job offer. I have the same title as I did with Gateway but the residents I work with are more total care and lower functioning on the autism spectrum and MMR.
November 30th, I moved out of my parents house and into my own apartment in Binghamton. I've been here for almost a month now and I am really happy with the decision I made. I feel better mentally and physically. I love my job and my new manager and coworkers. I feel almost settled and I can say that I am truly happy with where I am in life currently. I won't say completely happy but I'm getting there. It's a work in progress.
One of my best friends, Brian, finally graduated from SUNY Oswego December 14th!!! I'm so proud of him! He got a job offer in Syracuse at Valvoline for essentially an assistant manager position. So he's next to go apartment hunting! I am very happy for him and very proud of him.
On the "love" front, I did meet a really nice guy back home, before I moved sadly. Since I've met him, he has called/texted me non stop which is nice. He did ask me out and I said yes but in my head it's a trail. I'm about 2 1/2 hours away and I'm not going to make the same mistake twice by being the sole person who makes all the trips and time to see the other. I probably won't be coming home that much anyway so he needs to find a way to come see me or it's a done deal. Been there, done that and it sucked which is part of why my 5 year relationship did not work out as well as I hoped. We'll see what happens. I'm in a position where actions are going to mean sooo much more than words. If you say you're going to come see me you better fucking do it. At this point, it's a one chance type of deal. I'm not going to put my heart through that again.
I don't know 100% where I'm going in life but I am fully enjoying the journey it has taken me on, even the hard, bad times.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Mental Health Challenge Support
Yesterday, I had an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I was reevaluated and rediagnosed. My rediagnoses is PTSD and Bipolar Disorder I NOS. She think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but she wants to see how the new meds I have affect me first. I was prescribed Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer and Zoloft which is an antidepressant. I'm going to start taking them tonight and see how it goes. I have to take them for a month and then go back for a med check to see if anything needs to change. I was taking to my dad about depression yesterday and he said he just doesn't understand depression and how someone can stay stuck in depression. I tried to explain it to him but he really wasn't listening or he didn't want to. I can understand where he's coming from about how doctors are quick to diagnose and give out meds but there are people in this world that really need them and this is the first time I have taken anything for my mental health issues. It honestly kind of shocked me. As long as he understands that this is something that I have to do for me and hopefully this isn't a forever thing to be on these meds. At this point, I'm just going to see what happens.
Monday, August 12, 2013
It's Been Too Long
I know I hevn't kept up with this at all but life has gotten so busy, it just fell to the way side.
So first off, I don't work at a gas station anymore! I currently work as a residential counselor for developmentally disabled adults. I do love my job but it's so super stressful and I'm considered a per-diem worker but I work 40+ hours a week which include two overnight shifts a week. I hate the overnights by the way. There's NOTHING to do. I am grateful for the job and the experience. How many people can say they got a job in their field or even related to their field right after college? Not many.
Danielle and Adam got married May 25th 2013! I'm so happy for them! It was a great wedding and we rocked it out decorating and dress wise too!
Since my current job is so stressful and I don't have any health benefits, I started looking for jobs out of the hudson valley area. I've had several interviews and I'm still waiting for a few callbacks. I did end up landing a job up in Binghamton but sadly I had to turn it down because I couldn't take the pay cut and I wouldn't be able to do it financially. It's just getting to that time to move out and up. There's really nothing here for me anyway. Yes, my family is here but I can visit. For the most part, my friends are scattered about anyway. It's just getting to that time and it's kind of scary but I gotta do it.
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me on August 3rd. After two breakdowns and a lot of mistreatment from both of us to each other, he decided to end things. He's not stable enough for a relationship right now and I do understand that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm not going to put anyone on blast. Things happen for a reason. It still really hurts and I do still care about him. We tried to be around each other on Friday and that was probably a bad idea. It was just too hard but we were together for 5 years. We don't really know how to not be in each others lives. I think it's something that will just take some time. I don't know what will happen down the road. I keep being told that I need to start acting my age. What the fuck does that mean? What am I supposed to be doing at 23 soon to be 24? I haven't acted/been my age since I was 12 so I don't know what acting my age means.
I'm doing my best to move forward but right now it's hard especially with the breakup. I'm grateful for all the support my friends and family have given me and I just have to keep trucking.
So first off, I don't work at a gas station anymore! I currently work as a residential counselor for developmentally disabled adults. I do love my job but it's so super stressful and I'm considered a per-diem worker but I work 40+ hours a week which include two overnight shifts a week. I hate the overnights by the way. There's NOTHING to do. I am grateful for the job and the experience. How many people can say they got a job in their field or even related to their field right after college? Not many.
Danielle and Adam got married May 25th 2013! I'm so happy for them! It was a great wedding and we rocked it out decorating and dress wise too!
Since my current job is so stressful and I don't have any health benefits, I started looking for jobs out of the hudson valley area. I've had several interviews and I'm still waiting for a few callbacks. I did end up landing a job up in Binghamton but sadly I had to turn it down because I couldn't take the pay cut and I wouldn't be able to do it financially. It's just getting to that time to move out and up. There's really nothing here for me anyway. Yes, my family is here but I can visit. For the most part, my friends are scattered about anyway. It's just getting to that time and it's kind of scary but I gotta do it.
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me on August 3rd. After two breakdowns and a lot of mistreatment from both of us to each other, he decided to end things. He's not stable enough for a relationship right now and I do understand that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm not going to put anyone on blast. Things happen for a reason. It still really hurts and I do still care about him. We tried to be around each other on Friday and that was probably a bad idea. It was just too hard but we were together for 5 years. We don't really know how to not be in each others lives. I think it's something that will just take some time. I don't know what will happen down the road. I keep being told that I need to start acting my age. What the fuck does that mean? What am I supposed to be doing at 23 soon to be 24? I haven't acted/been my age since I was 12 so I don't know what acting my age means.
I'm doing my best to move forward but right now it's hard especially with the breakup. I'm grateful for all the support my friends and family have given me and I just have to keep trucking.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Seven
I've been so busy and preoccupied with work, Danielle's wedding, trying to get this new job, and everything else in my life that I almost forgot yesterday was my anniversary. It's been seven years since I last self-injured/self-mutilated. It hasn't been easy and temptation is still there but I've made it this far without a relapse. I'm thankful and grateful for all the people in my life that have supported me. It's been a trying seven years to say the least and everyday is still a challenge. Of course some days are better than others but I have enough will and strength to not go back to that, at least I like to think so. I've come pretty far in my life. Even with everything I have going on right now, I'm proud of where I've been and how far I've come. It's no easy task but I did it and will continue to do so.
On a different note: my background check cleared and I have to do some training and then I start on the 18th! I'm super nervous and excited all at once.
On a different note: my background check cleared and I have to do some training and then I start on the 18th! I'm super nervous and excited all at once.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A Rock and a Hard Place
So as far as things go right now, I'm still waiting for my background check from Gateway to clear and then I have some training/certifications to go through and BOOM I will be working as a residence counselor. I'm super excited and nervous about this job but I know it'll be great for me.
My relationship with Bobo is still in limbo/on-a-break. We're trying to talk more on the phone. My work schedule doesn't really allow us to see each other very much and we're also trying to work on that as well. It's hard and my head and my heart can't seem to agree with each other lately. Today we had a conversation about having kids. Now, for those who don't know, when I was 17 I was diagnosed with PCOS which makes conceiving very difficult or almost impossible. I have talked to my endo and my primary. As far as that goes for me, my chances of conceiving are slim to none and if I do conceive, my chances of carrying to term are slim to none. Yes, there are fertility treatments and so on but I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain. Knowing this information since I was 17, I have recently changed my mind about having children. I used to not wants kids and now I'm really considering wanting children. The problem is that Bobo doesn't want kids at all. He keeps saying not right now and that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking in the future does he want them and he doesn't. I'm extremely upset by all of it. I don't know what to do about that. If I want kids and he doesn't, what the fuck are we supposed to do about that? Both people need to want kids, not only one of them. I'm not quite sure what to really do about that.
Another issue is that I have admitted to myself that I have very strong feelings/emotions for one of my best friends from college. I'm just going to call him "XY" because I'm not going to put someone on blast here. Him and I kind of had a conversation about it. I told him the truth about how I felt and he understood and kind of reciprocated. It's hard because I do have those feelings for him but I love Bobo so much. I'm not quite sure how to handle it and I don't think "XY" fully understands how I feel but after we had the conversation, we're still friends, drinking buddies ect. I just don't know how to handle it I guess. I'm going up to Oswego on Thursday for the weekend to go visit him so I guess maybe I can figure things out by the end of the weekend. I just want things to go back to how they were before like September.
My relationship with Bobo is still in limbo/on-a-break. We're trying to talk more on the phone. My work schedule doesn't really allow us to see each other very much and we're also trying to work on that as well. It's hard and my head and my heart can't seem to agree with each other lately. Today we had a conversation about having kids. Now, for those who don't know, when I was 17 I was diagnosed with PCOS which makes conceiving very difficult or almost impossible. I have talked to my endo and my primary. As far as that goes for me, my chances of conceiving are slim to none and if I do conceive, my chances of carrying to term are slim to none. Yes, there are fertility treatments and so on but I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain. Knowing this information since I was 17, I have recently changed my mind about having children. I used to not wants kids and now I'm really considering wanting children. The problem is that Bobo doesn't want kids at all. He keeps saying not right now and that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking in the future does he want them and he doesn't. I'm extremely upset by all of it. I don't know what to do about that. If I want kids and he doesn't, what the fuck are we supposed to do about that? Both people need to want kids, not only one of them. I'm not quite sure what to really do about that.
Another issue is that I have admitted to myself that I have very strong feelings/emotions for one of my best friends from college. I'm just going to call him "XY" because I'm not going to put someone on blast here. Him and I kind of had a conversation about it. I told him the truth about how I felt and he understood and kind of reciprocated. It's hard because I do have those feelings for him but I love Bobo so much. I'm not quite sure how to handle it and I don't think "XY" fully understands how I feel but after we had the conversation, we're still friends, drinking buddies ect. I just don't know how to handle it I guess. I'm going up to Oswego on Thursday for the weekend to go visit him so I guess maybe I can figure things out by the end of the weekend. I just want things to go back to how they were before like September.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I Swear I'll Never Give In, I Refuse
Well, since it's been like over a month since writing in here, let's recap the last two-three months of my life shall we?
December 2012-
Graduated from SUNY Oswego with a B.A. in Psychology and then problems between my boyfriend and I started to arise as well as my mental health diminishing.
January 2013-
I started work back at Hess and I am grateful to have that job. I've also been applying to several jobs all over as a residence counselor. I want to use my degree and I need experience. Bobo and I did break up for a small amount of time and then we talked and we're trying to work things out. Things aren't quite settled out between us but we are working on it. We do love each other very much and want nothing but the best for each other. It's difficult but life is never easy. My parents are selling the house and my dad keeps saying that he won't spend another winter here so that means by like September, he wants to not be here. Talk about causing some anxiety and retraumatization (for me at least). I started to feel my depression getting worse and worse by the day so I started looking for therapists.
February-
Danielle and Adam announced that they are getting married May 25th of this year! I'm so happy for them. Now I need to get my bridesmaid dress and all. I'm doing what I can to help by hiring and paying for the DJ. My best friend Brian is a legit DJ so I hired him for the wedding. I can't wait for their day!
After long hours of searching, I found a psychotherapist that seems to be working for me. I've only been seeing her for about two or three weeks but I like her and I'm comfortable talking with her and that's important. My mental health has been a serious issue recently. I haven't been happy in life or my relationship and I've felt so disconnected with everything, with life. It's to a point where I was considering inpatient at Benedictine because everyday I would think of a plan to kill myself but never acted on those intentions. My fear is that I will act on them one day, without telling anyone and that would be the end of it. I use my rubberband trick for the times where I want to self mutilate/self harm and that's been working for me but coming up with plans is something completely separate. I talked to my therapist and she suggested to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. Today, I got a prescription for Wellbutrin and I'm hoping that this helps. I'll give it a few days and if this one doesn't work then I will try Lexipro and hope that that one works. I need to get better or my relationships with everyone will fail and disappear and I may possibly end up committed or dead. I am going to document by video my Wellbutrin progress (at least for now while I'm on it). I believe in talking about mental health challenges and sharing your story so that's what I will be doing.
Bobo and I are still having difficulties and part of that has to do with what I've been dealing with. He wants to fight with me, for me and stay by my side through this. I mentioned breaking up while I go through this because I didn't want him to suffer or hurt anymore because I've been isolating myself and pushing everyone away. I also need to figure out how I really feel anymore. During last semester we had a lot of difficulties and I developed feelings for my best friend Brian. He's a great guy and all but I love Bobo. I feel horrible about it and Bobo and I have talked in great length about this. Bobo and I are going to work through this together and whatever happens will happen. If I fall out of love with Bobo, there's nothing that can be done about that. I won't say I'm 'in love' with Brian because I know I'm not. Yes, I love him like I love all my friends and family. I can see anything really further than a good experience in another relationship. I did talk to Brain about how I felt and he does like me but his excuse is he's "not a relationship person right now". I'll give him that. He was really cool and calm about the whole thing too and we're still friends and nothing's really changed. I'm glad that we were able to have that conversation and still be chill.
On the job front, I got a job as a residence counselor at the Gateway community in Kingston. I'm a per diem employee but hey it's a job right. It's a residence community for adults recovering from mental health challenges.
I'm all out of sorts and I'm just trying to get back on my feet and be better. I'm hoping everything just works out in the long run.
December 2012-
Graduated from SUNY Oswego with a B.A. in Psychology and then problems between my boyfriend and I started to arise as well as my mental health diminishing.
January 2013-
I started work back at Hess and I am grateful to have that job. I've also been applying to several jobs all over as a residence counselor. I want to use my degree and I need experience. Bobo and I did break up for a small amount of time and then we talked and we're trying to work things out. Things aren't quite settled out between us but we are working on it. We do love each other very much and want nothing but the best for each other. It's difficult but life is never easy. My parents are selling the house and my dad keeps saying that he won't spend another winter here so that means by like September, he wants to not be here. Talk about causing some anxiety and retraumatization (for me at least). I started to feel my depression getting worse and worse by the day so I started looking for therapists.
February-
Danielle and Adam announced that they are getting married May 25th of this year! I'm so happy for them. Now I need to get my bridesmaid dress and all. I'm doing what I can to help by hiring and paying for the DJ. My best friend Brian is a legit DJ so I hired him for the wedding. I can't wait for their day!
After long hours of searching, I found a psychotherapist that seems to be working for me. I've only been seeing her for about two or three weeks but I like her and I'm comfortable talking with her and that's important. My mental health has been a serious issue recently. I haven't been happy in life or my relationship and I've felt so disconnected with everything, with life. It's to a point where I was considering inpatient at Benedictine because everyday I would think of a plan to kill myself but never acted on those intentions. My fear is that I will act on them one day, without telling anyone and that would be the end of it. I use my rubberband trick for the times where I want to self mutilate/self harm and that's been working for me but coming up with plans is something completely separate. I talked to my therapist and she suggested to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. Today, I got a prescription for Wellbutrin and I'm hoping that this helps. I'll give it a few days and if this one doesn't work then I will try Lexipro and hope that that one works. I need to get better or my relationships with everyone will fail and disappear and I may possibly end up committed or dead. I am going to document by video my Wellbutrin progress (at least for now while I'm on it). I believe in talking about mental health challenges and sharing your story so that's what I will be doing.
Bobo and I are still having difficulties and part of that has to do with what I've been dealing with. He wants to fight with me, for me and stay by my side through this. I mentioned breaking up while I go through this because I didn't want him to suffer or hurt anymore because I've been isolating myself and pushing everyone away. I also need to figure out how I really feel anymore. During last semester we had a lot of difficulties and I developed feelings for my best friend Brian. He's a great guy and all but I love Bobo. I feel horrible about it and Bobo and I have talked in great length about this. Bobo and I are going to work through this together and whatever happens will happen. If I fall out of love with Bobo, there's nothing that can be done about that. I won't say I'm 'in love' with Brian because I know I'm not. Yes, I love him like I love all my friends and family. I can see anything really further than a good experience in another relationship. I did talk to Brain about how I felt and he does like me but his excuse is he's "not a relationship person right now". I'll give him that. He was really cool and calm about the whole thing too and we're still friends and nothing's really changed. I'm glad that we were able to have that conversation and still be chill.
On the job front, I got a job as a residence counselor at the Gateway community in Kingston. I'm a per diem employee but hey it's a job right. It's a residence community for adults recovering from mental health challenges.
I'm all out of sorts and I'm just trying to get back on my feet and be better. I'm hoping everything just works out in the long run.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Keep Up
I haven't written anything in here since the beginning of December and that's partially because I had finals to study for and papers to write before graduation. A whole mess of things have gone down between then and now that's for damn sure.
As of December 15th, 2012 I am officially graduated from SUNY Oswego with a B.A. in Psychology! It was the best and scariest feeling ever. I've bust my ass for two years at that school and had to triumph over so many fucking obstacles and bullshit that seemed to try and get in my way from graduating. My final semester I took 21 credits just to make it out of that fucking place. I FUCKING MADE IT! I'm proud of that and I made it without having to go to an inpatient facility (even though I was close to going to one). I miss all the friends I made there and my Active Minds group. I still keep in touch with them and I am now considered an alumni speaker for the SUNY Oswego Active Minds chapter.
After graduation, shit seemed to go south rather quickly. I decided I was going to take time off from work just for a few weeks. I needed a break to not do anything (especially anything academic) for a while. I felt like I needed a break from everything. I had a hard time adjusting to being home and non-school life to be honest. For a little while I was just carrying on like I was still living in my dorm; not really talking to my dad or my sister and just doing whatever. Bobo got very clingy after graduation. We both had a really rough semester. He couldn't be there for me when I needed him and I couldn't handle him having a breakdown everyday or just not talking to me at all and becoming suicidal. I found solace in my friends at school, one of which was a male. I started to have my doubts about our relationship and my feelings for him. I wasn't getting support from the person that I love so what was I supposed to do? I have my friends from Oswego to thank for getting me through a rough semester, not Bobo and I hate that. When we came back from school and I needed a break, we "broke up" for a few days and then he said he wanted to work things out. I don't have a problem with working things out. I do love him. He's my first and I want him to be my last but I need time in between for myself, to collect myself and get it together. Right now we're on a 'break' which is like being together but not? I guess more than not because I don't see him and I won't really talk to him either. I'm still rather conflicted. I talked to my sister about this and asked if I missed anything from high school, like dating around and shit. He response was that I missed really bad sex and having to hear about Black Ops 24/7. I'm just going through the motions right now and trying to figure shit out. I still need to get my grad school apps done and get those letters of recommendation. I just want everyone's voice to get out of my head so that I can figure this shit out for myself. It's loud in the house of myself.
My best friends mom was in the hospital for a week with bacterial pneumonia. She went in new years eve and she is finally being released today! It's been very hard for them. I went back and forth to the hospital almost everyday so that there was someone there for her and plus no one likes just sitting around in a hospital anyway. It was definitely a busy week. Thankfully she is doing much much better and she is feeling better. The pneumonia is essentially gone but she still has antibiotics to take. I'm just glad everyone is ok.
I'm going to see my one friend from school this weekend. He came down for my birthday/graduation celebration and I did tell him I would come visit before he has to go back to Oswego. I also have this really amazing job interview on Friday at the Mental Health Association of Ulster County. The position it for a residence counselor/case manager for adults recovering from mental illness and substance abuse. I'm so excited I got a callback for an interview!! I just hope I get the job. I'm very grateful that I am able to still be working at the gas station but I need a real job.
There's just so much going on, I feel overwhelmed and tired. Home life is ok, still a little weird but fine and then the shit with Bobo. I'm doing my best to just live and roll with whatever comes my way at this point.
As of December 15th, 2012 I am officially graduated from SUNY Oswego with a B.A. in Psychology! It was the best and scariest feeling ever. I've bust my ass for two years at that school and had to triumph over so many fucking obstacles and bullshit that seemed to try and get in my way from graduating. My final semester I took 21 credits just to make it out of that fucking place. I FUCKING MADE IT! I'm proud of that and I made it without having to go to an inpatient facility (even though I was close to going to one). I miss all the friends I made there and my Active Minds group. I still keep in touch with them and I am now considered an alumni speaker for the SUNY Oswego Active Minds chapter.
After graduation, shit seemed to go south rather quickly. I decided I was going to take time off from work just for a few weeks. I needed a break to not do anything (especially anything academic) for a while. I felt like I needed a break from everything. I had a hard time adjusting to being home and non-school life to be honest. For a little while I was just carrying on like I was still living in my dorm; not really talking to my dad or my sister and just doing whatever. Bobo got very clingy after graduation. We both had a really rough semester. He couldn't be there for me when I needed him and I couldn't handle him having a breakdown everyday or just not talking to me at all and becoming suicidal. I found solace in my friends at school, one of which was a male. I started to have my doubts about our relationship and my feelings for him. I wasn't getting support from the person that I love so what was I supposed to do? I have my friends from Oswego to thank for getting me through a rough semester, not Bobo and I hate that. When we came back from school and I needed a break, we "broke up" for a few days and then he said he wanted to work things out. I don't have a problem with working things out. I do love him. He's my first and I want him to be my last but I need time in between for myself, to collect myself and get it together. Right now we're on a 'break' which is like being together but not? I guess more than not because I don't see him and I won't really talk to him either. I'm still rather conflicted. I talked to my sister about this and asked if I missed anything from high school, like dating around and shit. He response was that I missed really bad sex and having to hear about Black Ops 24/7. I'm just going through the motions right now and trying to figure shit out. I still need to get my grad school apps done and get those letters of recommendation. I just want everyone's voice to get out of my head so that I can figure this shit out for myself. It's loud in the house of myself.
My best friends mom was in the hospital for a week with bacterial pneumonia. She went in new years eve and she is finally being released today! It's been very hard for them. I went back and forth to the hospital almost everyday so that there was someone there for her and plus no one likes just sitting around in a hospital anyway. It was definitely a busy week. Thankfully she is doing much much better and she is feeling better. The pneumonia is essentially gone but she still has antibiotics to take. I'm just glad everyone is ok.
I'm going to see my one friend from school this weekend. He came down for my birthday/graduation celebration and I did tell him I would come visit before he has to go back to Oswego. I also have this really amazing job interview on Friday at the Mental Health Association of Ulster County. The position it for a residence counselor/case manager for adults recovering from mental illness and substance abuse. I'm so excited I got a callback for an interview!! I just hope I get the job. I'm very grateful that I am able to still be working at the gas station but I need a real job.
There's just so much going on, I feel overwhelmed and tired. Home life is ok, still a little weird but fine and then the shit with Bobo. I'm doing my best to just live and roll with whatever comes my way at this point.
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