Scattered

I don't usually update this blog so often, in fact I leave it to once a week but this last week and the things I've been thinking about seem to have a need to escape, at least for today.

Lately, I've been thinking about the people back home, the ones I'm still friends with, the people who've been in and out of my life, people from high school that I may not have been friends with, just people. I've lost touch with a lot of good people after high school and I'm starting to settle on it. They're still good people but the connection is kind of lost and that's actually really sad. I can't bother myself with those kinds of thoughts though. What has been has been and what will be, will be. I always talk about how New Paltz is a vortex for people and it's true. If you never leave that town, you're doomed to stay there and probably become some kind of addict, usually pot or something and alcohol. Too many good people I know have become those townies, those people who never left; or if they did leave they took the essence of the town with them and still became that addict. I do have a love/hate relationship with that town. When I'm away long enough, I do miss it but then I do home and it's dead; just nothing is left for me there except for my family and the few friends I still have there. If I could completely detach, I would and I'm starting to get to that point but I need more money, a better job to be able to detach and be free from the bondage of that vortex. I've also realized that, if you have lived in New Paltz you're entire life, it seems like that the right of passage is to move to Manhattan. Not that I have a problem with that, I love it down there and well that's where my family is from and where I am from too, but it does something to people who aren't from there. There's a change that I guess I'm not used to. I know people grow up and that's wonderful but I've been somewhat grownup a good portion of my life. It's just really sad to not be able to connect with my friends like I used to and it kills me. I lost a lot of good connections because I don't drink or do those things anymore. Growing up is hard to do and we all have to do it. I missed out on my adolescence and I guess part of me wants it back but I can never have it back. It's funny, I'm here in Italy enjoying the time that I have here (although recently I can't seem to get myself motivated to get out and go places and I'm malnourished at the moment) and I miss home so much but going home is going to be hard. I know what's at home waiting: my family, my boyfriend, my minimum wage job, and some friends. The first two I miss terribly, I need a better job but I'm thankful that they keep rehiring me every summer and during winter break, and I do miss my friends. My thoughts are all over the place and I can't concentrate on anything that I should be. I've become a recluse in Italy and that's not what I want the rest of this experience to be. I just can't seem to figure it out right now and that worries me.