And Here We Go Again

Beginning Again

So here's where the end is now the beginning. I would just like to state that I have evolved. I have accepted my wrongs and I have apologized for all of them except to the individuals about my suicide attempt which I am not 100% ready to do. Whether people choose to accept this and forgive is on them, not me.

One Month

It's been one month since my hospitalization for my suicide attempt and I am going to link the video for the post I made for everyone here.

One Month

Slow Ride

Slow Ride

I don't feel like writing it all out so here's a link to the video post I made.

Follow the Wind

Well, here we are again contemplating a new job. This job is very mentally draining. Physically I am strong enough to do this job but I need a mental break soon or I am going to lose my mind. When my team director comes back I am going to ask for medical leave for like a week or two just to get my head on track so I can do my job properly. I have been putting applications out there again so hopefully something better will come my way.

My love life is a mess as always. This man Dave is absolutely fantastic but I fucked it up as per usual. We're trying to work on being friends and see what happens from there but my heart really is set on him. I talk to him and text him frequently enough and this past weekend I saw him for a small birthday party thing cause he turned 21 on May 28th. He really is a great man and I fucked it up. Maybe I should just be done dating altogether.

I wish there was a better way to get people out of my head. All the negative and beratement things that have been said/done to me over the years gets stuck in my head and, in turn, I believe it and then fuck things up like relationships. It's hard to keep those things away and out of my head. My dad always says don't let people live rent free in your head. I'm trying, it's just not easy for me.

untouchables

I'm an emotional wreck
The unloveable, untouchable peasant
Used as a toy for your pleasure
And the grime placed stains on the skin you've touch
Not in love but as one places prints on toys in a store
And I can't scrub hard enough to erase you from my skin
It covers every part of me
Like the sludge from the sewers
Consumed by the microscopic traces you've left behind
Burning them away with the fire you've created
I walk into the flames and burn all you've touched
Finally free

Work, Work, Death, Work

February 15th, 2014, my cousin Laurie died. She had a heart attack. After years of anorexia, alcoholism, and heroine and drug abuse and being clean and sober for at least the last two years, she dies of a heart attack. I still can't believe she's dead. My sister was going to go have lunch with her that Monday. My sister and I used to joke that we would read about her death on facebook. Well, we didn't read it on facebook. My mom called me that Sunday while I was at work to tell me. I don't know if I'm more angry or sad. Probably a combination of both. I took a week off from work to attend services for my cousin and to be with my family. Everyone is a wreck and Laurie's birthday is March 23rd. She would have been 36. It's just so surreal and I just don't know what to do with myself. I just keep working and that's all I seem to ever do is work. I haven't had a real moment to process everything. I may not get that opportunity.

Jessica is engaged and is getting married December 13th of this year. At least we have time to plan this one. Also Rachel and Kurt are finally engaged but they're not getting married for another 6 years because Ra wants to get her doctorate first. Plenty of time to plan that wedding and save for it.

I'm giving up on relationships. My ex wants us to get back together but he still has to get his shit together. This guy Dave has a lot going on; a full time job and full time school so he doesn't have time for me even though he says I'm not a stressor but whatever. There's a guy at work who wants to sleep with me and one of my best friends still wants to sleep with me even though he has a girlfriend. I'm not doing anything to attracted this kind of attention. I'm just being me and working my ass off. I'm just done with everything right now. I'm lonely up here. I want someone who isn't going to be intimidated by my job and can actually have a conversation with me and will evolve with me. I'm just over it, over everything. I just want to stay in bed for months and forget the world.