Bittersweet

Thursday ended my first semester as a senior in undergraduate school. I powered through all of my finals and I think I did well. I wont know my grades for at least a week but I don't think I failed anything so that's a good thing. There was a farewell dinner that night for everyone. It was actually pretty nice. Granted I didn't get to know a lot of the people in the program but it was nice to say goodbye to my professors and some of the friends I had made there. It was sad though because I don't know when or if I'll ever get to go back there and I really would love to.

Friday was my last full day in Firenze. I went out and bought all the little things I needed to bring back for my family, took one last walk around the Duomo, one last walk across Ponte Vecchio and looked out over the Arno and walked back to my apartment for the last time. It was a surreal feeling. Actually, it didn't really hit me at all until I was at the airport Saturday in Rome (one of my transfers to get home) that I was leaving Italy and not knowing when I would be back again.

Saturday, I left Firenze at 7:10AM (Italy time) and landed in JFK at 3:30PM (New York time). It was a 14 hour travel day but the flights weren't bad at all. I slept most of the time anyway. I am excited to be home but I miss Firenze. I can say that I am definitely experiencing reverse culture shock. Everything feels so rushed and it feels a little more hostile here. I've been in such a relaxed country that I had forgotten what it's like here. I just need some time to catch up with myself and my environment. It'll probably take 10 days to 2 weeks for me to be comfortable enough and be settled in. I've missed my family, my boyfriend, and my friends so much and I am happy to be home but I can't just rush back into things. I need to ease myself back into a way of life that I once had. I just feel a little jumbled right now and it's hard to deal with.

So, that's the end of my study abroad living. I haven't quite decided if I will keep this blog or not. I've had blogs/journals on here before and they continue to bring me a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. I also was going to shut down my facebook for a little while too but I haven't decided on that either. I'm not really sure of a whole lot right now anyway. We'll see though.

The First Week and The Last Week Are Always The Longest and Hardest

This is the final week, my last week in Firenze. It's been raining pretty much everyday for the last like week which sucks because it makes people stay home more unless you really need to go out. I have finals all next week. I'm nervous about my Italian language final. I'm not really too nervous about the speaking part; it's the written part I'm nervous about. I'm confident in my other classes but language classes always gave me some trouble. I just want to pass everything and then go home!

For my last weekend in Italy, I went to Pompei on Friday. Since it was raining, I only got to go to the Pompei ruins. I didn't realize how massive the ruins are! I totally forgot that the ruins were an entire city. It was actually the city of Pompei for a long time. It was incredible though. I was sad that I wasn't able to climb Vesuvius. If it wasn't raining I would have done that too. I was supposed to spend the night in Pompei but I ended up coming home because of an incident. I was a little lost trying to find the hostel I was going to be staying at. The information desk at the ruins gave me a completely useless map of Pompei so I just head to the city center towards the big church. I guess I was pegged as being lost and a tourist and some guy tried to mug me and tried to take my camera. He didn't get it and I'm ok, just really shaken by the whole thing. I was able to find my hostel and checked in and sat in the room for a little while. I was really uncomfortable so I decided to go back to Firenze that day. I was just a bad incident and I'm still a little shaken by it but I feel safer here in Firenze. I still got to enjoy the ruins at least.

I come home in a week. I'm getting really anxious about coming home and so is Bobo. I still have to get some stuff to take home. Friday is pretty much the packing day but I already have some stuff packed up and in my luggage. I'm a little nervous about coming home too. I miss all my friends but I don't thin k me coming home is going to be well received from them. I don't know how to put it. I don't feel like they're going to care. I've tried my best to keep up with everyone online and stuff but it's different when you're in person. We'll see though. I just want to get back home at this point. I'm going to miss Firenze and Italy as a whole but I do miss being home. I've got a bit of a sore throat right now but that might be due to the drastic weather change here. I don't have a fever and I'm not coughing so I'm really hoping that it's just extreme allergies.

I hope everyone at home is doing well and I hope everyone is having a good semester and keep on keeping on! The semester is almost over for those who are still in college. I'll see you all when I get back!

A Doppo!

BUONA PASQUA!

It means Happy Easter in Italian and I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!

I'm sad that I wasn't able to spend Pesach or Easter with my family this year. I was really upset Friday when the internet in the apartment decided to die right before I was going to skype with my family like I usually do and it was Pesach (Passover). I got to talk to my parents yesterday and I'll be skyping with my entire family again for Easter! I'm excited for that. I know they're going to celebrate all the end of March/beginning of April birthdays today at Easter. It's weird not being home for the holidays and what's worse is that Grandpa Bob isn't here. Usually we go to their apartment for the first or second night of Passover and Grandpa Bob always made some kind of religious joke or would say "Let's just eat!" and that wasn't there this year. It's hard to think about and deal with. He's only been gone for 6 months and it's just been really difficult to deal with. My grandma seems lost without him here and I'm in Italy. I mean there wouldn't be a lot I could do if I were home cause I'd be in Oswego but I could manage to take a train or dirve down there for a weekend. It's just kind of heavy.

Easter here in Italy is interesting. The weather sucks today though; it's all rainy and gross out. I did get to go to the Duomo and witness this medieval tradition called carro del fuoco or fire carriage. There's this huge procession of people dressed up in medieval costumes with instruments and stuff. They walk in front of the Duomo and pretty much put of this ceremony. At the end, they wheel in this huge carriage lined with firecrackers and fireworks. The arch bishop says a prayer, blesses the crowd and the carriage and then they set off the carriage. It was so cool! Really loud but really cool. It's an interesting tradition and since Ester is the holiday here, there were a ton of reporters and camera crews there for the celebration. It's a little weird though because the whole city pretty much shuts down today and tomorrow (Easter Monday). It's not something I'm used to but it's definitely an experience.

On another note, two of our housemates moved out. I know, with so little time left what's the point? Well, there was an altercation between some of the other housemates and things got intense and threatening rather quickly so CAPA decided to move two of them out. The whole energy of the apartment changed after that. It's whatever at this point. I really can't be bothered with stuff like that. We're supposed to be somewhat adults so why can't we all just be somewhat civil towards each other? Whatever though, there's too little time left to think about that stuff right now.

I know I'm adding this a little later than I originally posted but it just occurred to me. Since I've been living in Firenze, I don't have the American ideals of beauty plastered in my face on a daily basis and I haven't watched television in 4 months either. There is an Italian standard and ideal but for whatever reason I don't feel like I have to or need to succumb to it (and that's not because I'm leaving in two short weeks). I also haven't had any physical contact with my boyfriend in that same amount of time nor have I really felt like I get the encouragement from him either. Yes, he does tell me I'm beautiful and so on and so forth but it doesn't feel like it's the same as when I home but then again that could just be me being paranoid. Lately I've been in such a funk about my appearance and my body issues. I did have a short struggle with an eating disorder when I was at UCCC, and there are times when I feel like starving myself is the better solution. As much as I am proud of my sister Danielle for her weight loss surgery and the great progress she's made, I get this almost backlash feeling. Mostly on myself and how I feel. It's rather hard to explain actually without sounding like I'm not supporting her. I end up feeling like I need to do the same thing or like now I'm the fat, ugly one. I turn confidence into cockiness and over-confidence turns to that anyway so I end up feeling like shit. I can understand how she wants to brag about her progress and where she's come from, but for me it feels more shoved in my face as to say 'hey I'm skinny now and the world is better this way'. Once again, it's hard to explain without it sounding like I hate my sister for what she's going through and that's not even close to what it is. I'm so proud of her and the decision she made to have the surgery and the amount of weight she's lost pretty much since I've been in Italy. It's a really difficult thing to explain and I know this is not going to come across as I want it to so I'll just leave it at that.

I leave Firenze in 13 days! I'm excited to go home and also sad to leave Firenze. It's a mixed bag at this point. I sometimes feel like a lot of the bullshit I endured from CAPA and some of the people here will over shadow my experiences here. I'm trying not to let that get to me but it's hard. I can't wait to be home and see everyone! I hope everyone is doing well!

Ciao <3

End of Week 11 and Into Week 12

2 weeks of classes and one week of finals left! It's really getting down to the wire. I have a lot of stuff to do in the next 2 weeks so I'm hoping to get everything done and I'm sure I will.

My nephew and my boyfriend's birthday was on Friday. Sid turned 10 and Bobo turned 21. I'm so upset that I wasn't home for their birthday. I never miss those things but I was able to skype with them and talk to them at least. I feel so old now that Sid is 10 now. I can't believe he's already 10! He'll be a teenager way to soon for my liking haha. Bobo went to my house for dinner and then I think he went to the movies with his cousins. I know he just turned 21, I know he's said he doesn't want to drink but I was really nervous for him to go out with his cousins. I asked him not to and he said he wouldn't and then I thought about it. I sound really hypocritical of me to say that to him after I went out for my 21st birthday. I know I'm not much older than him but I've gone through enough to have known that I didn't really want to drink but it seems that's the only way I can hang out with certain friends. Whatever though; it happened and it's fine. I joking told him he gets one 'can you come get me' call and that's it and I jokingly told him he had a week to get it out of his system. I know he wont drink but I was just worried about this weekend and possibly some of his friends back at RPI but I know he has a strong enough will power anyway.

My dad has somewhat officially quit his plumbing job! He's pretty much working part time while the deli gets on its way. I still have to talk my Lane Bryant about days I can work because I'll be in the deli. I'll probably work mostly closing shifts at Lane Bryant but it's income until the deli picks up. I'm so proud of my dad, my family for doing this! Coming home is going to be so much more exciting with all the new things going on. It'll take some time for me to adjust fully but that's something I need to work on. Ra is also starting new things too! She applied for some customer service jobs down in Astoria. I know, those of you who know my sister don't really think customer service but she does need the change and get the hell out of the burgh cause god knows that job really is going nowhere fast. She has an interview Tuesday and I really hope she gets it! I'm really happy for her for go for the change and she has been sticking with her sobriety. It's a day by day thing but she's been sober now for 4 or 5 months now and I'm so proud of her for everything.

Danielle broke our rule! She wasn't supposed to post any pictures until I came home but she was going through some emotional stuff. She decided that she's a new person and that her old self made that promise and she just wanted to show how much more her new self is. I can respect that and it's fine. As long as she's happy and growing into the person she wants to be, then what the hell right.

On a much more serious note, a really good friend of mine from college overdosed last week and was hospitalized for a few days. She's alive and doing better but I don't know if I'm alright you know. What happened was that she was dating a guy who has Borderline Personality Disorder and he started to become very critical of her, saying that her problems and such weren't as important as his, verbally abusive towards her and he was being physically abusive towards her therapy dog. He was making all her triggers worse and worse and she finally couldn't figure out what to do anymore. She took both bottles of her meds, aspirated on her own vomit. Luckily her roommate was home and was able to call an ambulance in time. The guy just stood there wondering what to do and not helping her at all! I'm heartbroken that it had to come down to that and I'm pissed at her now ex boyfriend. Part of me feels like if I had been there I could have done something to help her maybe end the relationship before it got to that point or something. I don't know I'm still just in shock. She had withdraw from this semester and she has to get an order of protection on Monday. It bothers me and hurts me so much that I'm not home to help in those moments. There's not a lot I can do from here except to check in every now and then and talk to people when I can. I'm still a little shaken by it and I know she's doing better and she's alive. That's what matters to me.


Things here in Italy have been fine though. Thursday I gave a talk in my cross cultural psych class about mental health. Active Minds at Oswego started this Speak Your Mind panel discussion where members from the club go into classrooms and share their personal stories about mental health issues; whether they themselves have a mental health disorder/issues or know someone who does and how they handle/deal with it. Guess what I had to do? Yup, you guessed it, I sat with my class and divulged information and my story to them and some it was things I haven't even told my friends back home. I did omit some information because I didn't want to make it just that much more uncomfortable but I know when I do it at Oswego to include that information. Granted, the class Thursday was small (I mean like 5 students total because everyone went to Paris and some decided to skip class) but I was still nervous as hell doing it. It was a great success though. One of my classmates brought her aunt with her to class and her aunt actually started to cry. I guess she was just so moved and touched by my story and bravery, that's how she responded. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad that it was successful. I hope that when I get back to Oswego, we'll being doing this in full swing and I'm so pumped to do it again. I kind of know how to go about it now and how to organize my thoughts a little better.

I went to Rome on Saturday and it was amazing! I went to Vatican City, the Trevi Fountain, and the coliseum. Vatican City was amazing and it's freaking huge! I climbed to the very top of St. Peters Basilica and the view was just incredible. I climbed 1,102 steps; 551 up and then back down. My calves hurt from it today but it was worth the view. Just being there was amazing. After that, I headed to the Trevi Fountain. I honestly don't know anything about the Trevi Fountain but it was still amazing to go there. It's a huge, beautiful fountain and I could have just say by it all day but damn was it crowded. It is definitely tourist season now which kind of ruins the rest of the experience here but hey I've been living here for almost 4 months so I can't complain. After that, I went to the coliseum. I was just blown away by it. I'm seeing things, going to places that I never thought I would and there I was, just hanging out at the coliseum. I was literally touching history and was just in complete awe of the coliseum. I wish my family and my boyfriend could have been there. Going to Rome and getting to do small trips like that really are amazing. I really need to thank my grandma when I get home for giving me the money to go to Rome and getting to go to Pompeii.

I hope everyone at home is doing well and I will see you all soon! <3