Well, since it's been like over a month since writing in here, let's recap the last two-three months of my life shall we?
December 2012-
Graduated from SUNY Oswego with a B.A. in Psychology and then problems between my boyfriend and I started to arise as well as my mental health diminishing.
January 2013-
I started work back at Hess and I am grateful to have that job. I've also been applying to several jobs all over as a residence counselor. I want to use my degree and I need experience. Bobo and I did break up for a small amount of time and then we talked and we're trying to work things out. Things aren't quite settled out between us but we are working on it. We do love each other very much and want nothing but the best for each other. It's difficult but life is never easy. My parents are selling the house and my dad keeps saying that he won't spend another winter here so that means by like September, he wants to not be here. Talk about causing some anxiety and retraumatization (for me at least). I started to feel my depression getting worse and worse by the day so I started looking for therapists.
February-
Danielle and Adam announced that they are getting married May 25th of this year! I'm so happy for them. Now I need to get my bridesmaid dress and all. I'm doing what I can to help by hiring and paying for the DJ. My best friend Brian is a legit DJ so I hired him for the wedding. I can't wait for their day!
After long hours of searching, I found a psychotherapist that seems to be working for me. I've only been seeing her for about two or three weeks but I like her and I'm comfortable talking with her and that's important. My mental health has been a serious issue recently. I haven't been happy in life or my relationship and I've felt so disconnected with everything, with life. It's to a point where I was considering inpatient at Benedictine because everyday I would think of a plan to kill myself but never acted on those intentions. My fear is that I will act on them one day, without telling anyone and that would be the end of it. I use my rubberband trick for the times where I want to self mutilate/self harm and that's been working for me but coming up with plans is something completely separate. I talked to my therapist and she suggested to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. Today, I got a prescription for Wellbutrin and I'm hoping that this helps. I'll give it a few days and if this one doesn't work then I will try Lexipro and hope that that one works. I need to get better or my relationships with everyone will fail and disappear and I may possibly end up committed or dead. I am going to document by video my Wellbutrin progress (at least for now while I'm on it). I believe in talking about mental health challenges and sharing your story so that's what I will be doing.
Bobo and I are still having difficulties and part of that has to do with what I've been dealing with. He wants to fight with me, for me and stay by my side through this. I mentioned breaking up while I go through this because I didn't want him to suffer or hurt anymore because I've been isolating myself and pushing everyone away. I also need to figure out how I really feel anymore. During last semester we had a lot of difficulties and I developed feelings for my best friend Brian. He's a great guy and all but I love Bobo. I feel horrible about it and Bobo and I have talked in great length about this. Bobo and I are going to work through this together and whatever happens will happen. If I fall out of love with Bobo, there's nothing that can be done about that. I won't say I'm 'in love' with Brian because I know I'm not. Yes, I love him like I love all my friends and family. I can see anything really further than a good experience in another relationship. I did talk to Brain about how I felt and he does like me but his excuse is he's "not a relationship person right now". I'll give him that. He was really cool and calm about the whole thing too and we're still friends and nothing's really changed. I'm glad that we were able to have that conversation and still be chill.
On the job front, I got a job as a residence counselor at the Gateway community in Kingston. I'm a per diem employee but hey it's a job right. It's a residence community for adults recovering from mental health challenges.
I'm all out of sorts and I'm just trying to get back on my feet and be better. I'm hoping everything just works out in the long run.
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