And the Beat Goes On

I know I don't update this like I used to and I'm considering actively writing here again. I did help me a lot when I was in Italy so I might as well continue on right?

Anyway, my time here is almost done; about 2 1/2 more months and then I can graduate from this place. I had to overload my schedule to 21 credits just to be able to graduate in December. When I went to go do my senior check-list, I somehow was missing 5 upper division credits but everything else was all filled in. I picked up a quarter class that's 3 credits and a 2 credit internship with the counseling center here.  Needless to say, I had to quit rugby in order to concentrate and really settle down to get my work done this semester. It sucked to have to do it but I knew I had to. I really do love rugby and I can always pick it up later. I already have felt a bit burnt out and overwhelmed with all the papers I have to write this semester for my other classes. I'm trying my best to power through this semester and just get everything done to the best of my ability. I just need to make sure I have some down time to chill and destress from everything. I need to keep my mental health in check too.

My schedule is better now though, kind of. See my professor for PSY 475 is having some health issues and he wont be returning to teach this semester so what they did was move everyone into a different section of that course. The only problem was that I couldn't go into any of those sections due to time conflicts. They made a few of us as independent study which essentially means we still have class at the same time but it only meets on Monday's instead of a MWF class. It's kind of nice because it frees up my Fridays and I only have one class on Wednesdays now. Tuesdays are going to be my late days because of that quarter class though. It's a night class and I tried so hard to avoid taking those again but I have to do this so that I can graduate.

I went to see Bobo a few weeks ago for a long weekend. It was nice to be able to spend two full days with him instead of really only one and a half. We really just stayed at RPI that weekend. We're both broke and there wasn't anything I really wanted to do except for to spend time with him and not go anywhere. Yes, sometimes I was a little bored because we really didn't leave his room much but I really felt that we both needed that time together. Things at home for me have been a bit hectic and he's going through therapy and starting to deal with the things he needs to. We need that time together. Hopefully he'll be coming to see me in a few weeks which would be so awesome. No one has ever come to visit me and it really does make me upset. I wish more people would come see me up here. I have to make the same drive so why can't they? Anyway, hopefully he'll be coming to visit soon.

One of my best friends, Brendan, and his boyfriend are moving to L.A. on the 16th! I'm so excited for them! I'm going to miss them so much and I know they both have been wanting this for so long. It took so much time and effort for them to actually find a place out there without even being able to go there and look. It's sad to see them go but I can understand wanting to get out of here and plus all the jobs he wants to apply to are out there anyway. I think there's a couple of grad schools he want to apply to out there as well so he would have been moving out there anyway. I'm so happy for them and I wish them all the best! Now I have an excuse to go to L.A.!

Speaking of grad schools, I've been looking at a lot of different places in different states. Not too far away though but still a different state. I've requested info from schools in New York, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and New Jersey. My Aunt Gaby thinks I should get out of New York and I agree and my Grandma Jo thinks I should try moving out west for school. I know I should get out of New York but I don't know why I feel like I just need to be here or at least very close to here. I need to figure out what's keeping me here and why I'm so afraid to go anywhere that's not driveable back to New York within like a 5 hour radius. I don't even know if I want to leave the east coast and if I do, where would I go? I know I should probably be having these discussions with my boyfriend but I don't even know how to really approach it. It's just so much to consider and I don't know what to do anymore.

I've been feeling very down these last few weeks. I've been overly self conscious, I'll eat a lot and then barely eat the next few days, I've felt huge and just out right disgusting. I've been feeling more and more depressed and I've had to wear my rubberband a few times in the last week alone. I don't know what's wrong or what's going on. I don't feel like I'm coming out of this, whatever it is. I have this fear that I'm going to end up at in-patient for a week or something and I don't want that to happen. I'm terrified to say anything to my boyfriend about it because there's really nothing he or anyone can do and I don't want to make him worry. I'm stuck in past beliefs and I can't seem to find my way out of them, even with the counseling I'm getting here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.

I guess this is growing up.